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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that listening to music can be a useful way to improve the efficiency, but others believe that music distracts from daily routine. Give your opinion to this statement.

#people #music #efficiency #distracts
There is no denying the fact that
people
 prefer listening to
music
.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that, some communities believe that listening to
music
 can be a beneficial way to enhance efficiency, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that musical activities distract
people
 from performing their daily routine. In begin, most
music
 nowadays has a noisy tune.
In other words
, implementing kinds of
music
 in the daily routine will be impacts negatively the ear's health
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
people
 could need long treatments.
In addition
, the communities who like listening to
music
 every
day
 will not be able to separate
this
 behaviour from their routine which causes them to distract others from focusing on the goals or tasks if they need to do duties outside or around
people
,
also
 some nations not prefer listening to
music
 that
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
 of their religions.
For example
, Islamic
region
Fix the agreement mistake
regions
show examples
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 allow
people
 to play
music
due to
 Islamic reasons. Another point to be considered,
music
it
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 designed and developed for
people
 to enjoy in their leisure time. It is
also
 possible to say that, mixing between the productive
day
 tasks and musical will lead nations to lose the fun meaning of
music
.
Moreover
,
music
 sounds will make them off the development moods all
day
while
 hearing.
For instance
, studies have shown, that around 50% of regular
music
-listening
people
 are less productive than normal
people
. In conclusion, despite
people
 having different views, I consider that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 hearing
music
 all
day
 has significant negative effects on
people
,
whereas
 it should increase awareness about the health harmful sides.
Submitted by balqassab3 on

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introduction conclusion
Refine the introduction for clarity and completeness, ensuring it properly introduces the main ideas and positions both views clearly.
logical structure
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on connecting ideas more smoothly. Ensure each paragraph transitions well to the next with clear linkages. Use more cohesive devices where necessary.
supported main points
Strengthen the main points by elaborating more and using specific examples that clearly support your arguments. Broaden the perspective to show a deeper understanding of the topic.
complete response
Ensure to fully address the prompt by fairly balancing the discussion of both views before giving your opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Make your ideas clearer by using precise language and avoiding ambiguity. Proofread to catch errors that may obscure meaning.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to substantiate your points. This will help in making your argument stronger and more convincing.
clear comprehensive ideas
You have a clear standpoint on the issue. Your position is evident throughout the essay, which is crucial for a strong argument.
complete response
The essay attempts to address both views, which shows an understanding of the task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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