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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people think that the internet is shrinking the world with their benefits.Other argue that it has a adverse effect on civilizations due to poor famiy relationships Discuss both views

#people #internet #world #effect #civilizations #famiy #relationships
Internet nowadays has paved our way to the next level of living. It has so much to offer either harmful or beneficial to our thriving society. The means of using
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 enormously help
people
 in a more convenient life for survival.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 others
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that it will cause
oblivious
Replace the word
obliviousness
show examples
 when it comes to family matters. Partially, when we compare
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
civilization and how our ancestors
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
past
live
Wrong verb form
lived
show examples
, many can observe and infer that it improves our
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
due to
fast pacing
Correct your spelling
fast-paced
show examples
 technology. Technology has upgraded
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 of things that usually
people
 utilize in everyday
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
. One
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example is using
ourmobile
Correct your spelling
our mobile
 phones,
instead
 of working and communicating
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 distant places, we can just directly use
this
 medium right away without consuming and wasting time.
Thus
,
people
 took
this
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 to survive conveniently in
this
 thriving world.
On the other hand
, those who are in
a more collective communities
Correct the article-noun agreement
more collective communities
a more collective community
show examples
 believe that
this
 upbringing that social media has contributed
is
Change preposition
to is
show examples
 harmful
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 family
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
. Some members of the family tend to face their gadgets during important
occiasions
Correct your spelling
occasions
 with their families
instead
cherishing
Change preposition
of cherishing
show examples
 the moment.
This
 will minimize the time quality and bond that a family must
shares
Wrong verb form
share
show examples
.
To conclude
,
people
 believe that
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 helps our lives in communication and survival.
However
, collective families
encoutered
Correct your spelling
encountered
this
 medium as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
very harmful in family relationships.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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task achievement
To improve the task response, try to provide more specific examples and details to support your arguments. This will help demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that there is smooth progression between them. Transition words and phrases can help achieve this.
general
Work on minimizing grammatical errors and improving sentence structure for clarity. This will enhance the overall readability of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and clearly convey the main idea of the essay.
task achievement
You have addressed both views on the impact of the internet, showing an understanding of the topic's complexity.
task achievement
Your essay touches on relevant points, such as the convenience provided by the internet and the potential negative impact on family relationships.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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