IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals; during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagreee with this opinion?

#people #festivals #periods #disagreee
Some
people
 argue that we no longer remember the original meaning of
festivals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that most of us treat them as opportunities to have fun.
While
 I agree that enjoyment seems to be the priority during festival times, I do not agree that
people
 have forgotten what these
festivals
 mean. On the one hand, religious and traditional
festivals
 have certainly become times for celebration. In the UK,
Christmas
 is a good example of a festival period when
people
 are most concerned with shopping, giving and receiving presents, decorating their homes and enjoying traditional meals with their families. Most
people
 look forward to
Christmas
 as a holiday period, rather than a time to practise religion. Similar behaviour can be seen during non-religious
festivals
,
such
 as Bonfire Night.
People
 associate
this
 occasion with making fires, watching
firework
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fireworks
show examples
 displays, and perhaps going to large events in local parks;
in other words
, enjoyment is
people
’s primary goal.
However
, I disagree with the idea that the underlying meaning of
such
festivals
 has been forgotten. In UK primary schools, children learn in detail about the religious reasons for celebrating
Christmas
, Easter and a variety of
festivals
 in other religions.
For example
, in late December, children sing
Christmas
 songs which have a religious content, and they may even perform nativity plays telling the story of Jesus’ birth. Families
also
 play a role in passing knowledge of religious
festivals
’ deeper significance on to the next generation. The same is true for
festivals
 that have a historical background,
such
 as Bonfire Night or Halloween, in the sense that
people
 generally learn the stories behind these occasions at an early age. In conclusion,
although
people
 mainly want to enjoy themselves during
festivals
, I believe that they are still aware of the reasons for these celebrations.
Submitted by dawn140140140140 on

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task achievement
The essay could be improved by elaborating slightly more on the examples of traditional and religious festivals beyond the UK context to make the argument more globally relevant. Also, consider addressing counterarguments briefly to strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow is strong, but find ways to include more transitional phrases to further enhance coherence between paragraphs. This can provide even smoother reading.
coherence cohesion
You provide a well-organized introduction and conclusion, succinctly laying out your stance and summarizing your points effectively.
task achievement
The use of specific examples like Christmas and Bonfire Night effectively supports your argument and provides concrete evidence to back up your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a balanced structure with each paragraph focusing on a single clear point, which makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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