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Band 5

In many parts of world there is continuos coverage of sport on television. Some people believe this discourages the young from taking part in any sport themselves. Discuss the view and give your own opinion.

#parts #world #continuos #coverage #sport #television #people #part
When we turn on the
television
, there will be news or some live streams of different kinds of
sports
 around the
world
. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology nowadays
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 improved, it is easy for many
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 to show
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
 through different methods.
For example
, live streams are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
one of the most common
method
Change to a plural noun
methods
show examples
 to show the competition of
sports
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
 all around the
world
.
Moreover
,
sport
Add an article
the sport
show examples
 seems to be some hot news or topic to be discussed
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
 as well. Just like the
olympics
Change the capitalization
Olympics
show examples
 recently, people are excited about it. They will gather around to watch the games together, discussing and cheering for their country.
As to
Correct word choice
To
show examples
 raise the
ammount
Correct your spelling
number
 of viewers,
television
 channels will tend to podcast
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
show examples
. Every
television
channels
Fix the agreement mistake
channel
show examples
got
Verb problem
has
show examples
 the copyright of performing the live streams of the game in Hong Kong. Unfortunately,
someone
Correct your spelling
some
show examples
 may think it will bring negative effects on young to take the initiative to join the
sports
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
. The reason
beind
Correct your spelling
behind
being
may
Correct pronoun usage
this may
show examples
cause of
Verb problem
be
show examples
 their parents. Parents nowadays wish their
children
 could win at the starting point by comparing with other kids. Once they
saw
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
 the
athlets
Correct your spelling
athletes
 having outstanding
performance
Fix the agreement mistake
performances
show examples
 in front of the
world
, they will have the same
thought
Fix the agreement mistake
thoughts
show examples
 on their
children
.
As a result
, they will start pushing their kids to join different
sports
, hoping they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 stand on the victory of the
world
.
This
 may
let
Verb problem
make
show examples
children
 feel uncomfortable as they do not have the right to choose something they like and
being
Add a missing verb
are being
show examples
 forced by their parents.
This
 will lower their
initative
Correct your spelling
initiative
 and
willing
Replace the word
willingness
show examples
 to join
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 themselves. There are still some cases
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct pronoun usage
which the
show examples
 power of
television
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
show examples
 the younger one's interest in joining the games. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology nowadays
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
well-devloped
Correct your spelling
well-developed
, all kinds of
sports
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be shown
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
.
Children
 may
found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 it is
innovated
Replace the word
innovative
show examples
 for them and catch their attention, so they will like to try
themseleves
Correct your spelling
themselves
. Just like some cases in Hong Kong, one athlete in Hong Kong had an outstanding performance in fencing at the
last
 Olympic games. After that, there are many
children
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 interested in it and would want to join the
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 team for fencing, even some
children
 will have a pretend play of fencing in the park. As it could
shown
Change the verb form
be shown
show
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, the power of
television
covergae
Correct your spelling
coverage
 of
sports
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 powerful.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are clearly connected to each other, and use cohesive devices to make the flow smoother. For example, linking sentences and paragraphs more effectively would improve the overall coherence.
task achievement
Check spelling, grammar, and word choice more carefully. Phrases like 'amount of viewers' should be 'number of viewers,' and 'themselve' should be 'themselves.' These small errors can be distracting but are easy to fix.
coherence and cohesion
Make your introduction and conclusion more explicit. Right now, the essay starts quite generally, and a clear concluding paragraph is missing. Summarizing your main points at the end would be beneficial.
task achievement
You have provided relevant and specific examples, like the mention of the Olympics and fencing in Hong Kong, which add depth to your essay.
task achievement
Your essay covers both views effectively and provides a balanced discussion. This shows a comprehensive understanding of the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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