IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that it is worth researching different minerals in space. Others, however, disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Minerals
Use synonyms
 have played not only a significant role in the advancements of technology in recent years but
also
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 are an irreplaceable part of human life. Many people argue that the need to research different ore and valuable materials is worthwhile,
nevertheless
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, others are against
this
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 claim. The following essay is going to discuss both views and state my point of view about
this
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 statement. On the one hand, researching different elements in outer space can bring benefits to our world. Simply put, there are potentially several new ores in space that can be utilized as fuels and energy to power our world, which has higher capacity than the current ones humans are using,
while
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 at the same time being less polluted than fossil fuels
such
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 as gasoline and oil.
Moreover
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, some substances that are considered rare on Earth could be found plenty on other planets.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that each star has a different terrace and atmosphere, which results in the formation of numerous elements. Taking diamonds as an example, a considerably rare mineral on Earth could be found raining on Neptune.
On the other hand
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, it could be an expensive and time-consuming operation. To put it in simple terms,
although
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 it is possible that there are valuable substances in the cosmos, the cost of constructing and launching a spaceship to the nearest planet
such
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 as Mars is huge and requires a lot of effort to navigate and train astronauts,
while
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 the chance of finding
minerals
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 and substances is low.
For instance
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,
while
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 conducting missions on Mars, scientists have taken several samples of rocks taken from the surface,
however
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, they can only find possible evidence suggesting that the condition on Mars was different in the past, but have not found any new or usable
minerals
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. In conclusion,
although
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 at the moment the chance of finding new
minerals
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 in our space is low and the cost of conducting these missions could be high, I believe humans should continue to send out spacecraft in search of new elements to power our life.

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task achievement
Try to make sure the essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the task. While you discuss both views effectively, consider expanding a bit more on the opposing view to provide a more balanced discussion.
task achievement
Ensure all ideas are fully developed and paragraphs are well-balanced in terms of the length and depth of their arguments. This will add to the overall clarity and comprehensiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing your transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. This will improve the overall readability and coherence of your writing.
general
Avoid small grammatical inaccuracies and aim for more varied and complex sentence structures to show a high level of proficiency.
task achievement
You clearly present your points and support them with relevant examples, such as the example of diamonds on Neptune and the failed missions on Mars.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing both views, and a conclusion that states your opinion.
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