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Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in the western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effect of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effect #trend
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Being
over weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
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 or obese means being above a healthy body weight. Over the
last
Linking Words
decade
Add a comma
decade,
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 western society has seen a significant hike in the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is majorly
due to
Linking Words
 reasons
such
Linking Words
 as unhealthy diet, minimal exercise and
food
Use synonyms
 adulteration.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there has an been increase in the number of fast
food
Use synonyms
 outlets or restaurants.
This
Linking Words
 is primarily because
kids
Use synonyms
 nowadays are addicted to consuming fast
food
Use synonyms
 rather than homemade or healthy
food
Use synonyms
. As per the report published by World
Food
Use synonyms
 Authority,
kids
Use synonyms
 consuming fast
food
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 increased by 30% in comparison to figures issued
last
Linking Words
 year
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
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Secondly
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the busy lifestyles of parents nowadays, barely are they able to dedicate time to take care of
one's
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
hence
Linking Words
get
Wrong verb form
getting
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 them
store bought
Add a hyphen
store-bought
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food
Use synonyms
 rather than anything fresh . The working population especially
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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finding it harder day by day to maintain a work-life balance and reserve time for
children
Use synonyms
 so as to improve their
food
Use synonyms
 habits . Based on an article that was published
last
Linking Words
 month by
Times
Correct article usage
the Times
show examples
 of India, an increasing sales trend for
subscription based
Add a hyphen
subscription-based
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 delivery services delivering fast
food
Use synonyms
 to schools
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 observed in the
last
Linking Words
 ten years. Effects of overweight can affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 in many ways, mentally and physically. As evidently seen across news articles, obese
children
Use synonyms
 progress on to face health issues which can be fatal or
life threatening
Add a hyphen
life-threatening
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. Based on the Annual Medical Census Report, hospitals have seen a 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 increase in admissions of
children
Use synonyms
 suffering from cardiac and liver issues majorly which was caused
due to
Linking Words
 unhealthy
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
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. Obese
children
Use synonyms
 have
also
Linking Words
 been identified to have
self confidence
Add a hyphen
self-confidence
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 issues
comparitely
Correct your spelling
completely
comparatively
due to
Linking Words
 the reason that they stand out because of their weight. It lowers their
self esteem
Add a hyphen
self-esteem
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 and morale and often leads to depression. Based on an investigation conducted by
American
Correct article usage
the American
show examples
Childrens
Change noun form
Children's
show examples
 Council, 45
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
Use synonyms
kids
Change preposition
of kids
show examples
 who suffered from depression were identified to be obese. To
recaptitulate
Correct your spelling
recapitulate
, the trend of obesity among
children
Use synonyms
 that has been observed in the past ten years is highly alarming. Starting from an early age
kids
Use synonyms
 and parents should be made aware of the causes and effects of having an unhealthy diet . Once these factors are addressed ,anyone and everyone can lead a healthy life and have a better future.
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task achievement
You have presented a good discussion of the causes and effects of childhood obesity in Western society. However, the argumentation could be more balanced. Consider dedicating equal space to both causes and effects to improve the coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, 'There has an been increase' should be corrected to 'There has been an increase'.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to support your arguments. This helps in making your essay more convincing and robust.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more varied transitions, such as 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'In addition,' to enhance the flow between your paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets up the topic appropriately. There is a good overview of what will be discussed.
task achievement
You used relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points, which strengthens your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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