IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #cities #people’s #health
While
 it is widely accused that living in big cities can impact
on
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apply
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residential's
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residents's
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 health negatively, others argue that there could be countless factors that
contributing
Wrong verb form
contribute
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 to
medical
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the medical
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issue
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issues
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 of living in
such
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
show examples
. The reason why I agree with
this
 controversial topic will be elaborated on
this
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in this
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eassay
Correct your spelling
essay
.
To begin
 with, it may
seems
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seem
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 sensible for some to believe that
situated
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being situated
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 in big cities can be somewhat worrying, especially in terms of
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
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 aspect.
This
 is
possibly
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possible
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 because
such
 crowded residential
area
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areas
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 often
expose
Wrong verb form
exposed
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with
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to
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variety
Correct article usage
a variety
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types
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of types
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 of pollution like noise, air, and traffic. Take Bangkok,
for example
; with a crowded and congested road, full
with
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of
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 pollution from the car
honk
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honking
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 and
fume
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fumes
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from
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apply
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cars is large
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with
other city
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another city
other cities
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 like Loei which is a minor city.
However
, I personally argue in favour of
detrimental
Correct article usage
the detrimental
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 effect of living in major cities seeing that
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
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important
Add an article
an important
the important
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 role
of
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in
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 an individual's health. To simply explain,
a
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apply
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good health can
be maintain
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be maintained
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 with
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 environment.
Therefore
, there is
an
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apply
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evident
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evidence
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 shows that people living in
a
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apply
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slum
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slums
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 often sick easily
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with those who
living
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live
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 in private residential
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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due to
 poor hygiene.
Morerover
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Moreover
, when
rate
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the rate
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 of sick residents
in
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is
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 on the rise, the greater the expenditure for the government to take care
with
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of
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 as well which might affect
with
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apply
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the unbalanced distribution of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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monetary support. To exemplify, during winter,
where
Correct word choice
when
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 the surge of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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PM 2.5 particles is densely floating in Bangkok, triggering people to have
asthma
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an asthma
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attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
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 and allergies to
be worsen
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worsen
show examples
. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that staying in
large
Add an article
the large
a large
show examples
 city
often
Add a missing verb
is often
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 viewed negatively as it mostly
dealt
Wrong verb form
deals
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 with various disturbances: pollution and traffic, I am of the opinion that these
aformentioned
Correct your spelling
aforementioned
 factors do affect peoples' quality of life and the government
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to take action toward
those threat
Change the determiner
that threat
those threats
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 in order to promote
a
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apply
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better care of their peoples
as well as
 to reduce medical expenses.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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task achievement
You have answered the prompt well and provided relevant examples. However, there are minor errors in grammar and vocabulary that slightly affect clarity. Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly and connects to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay is logically structured with clear transitions between points. Your essay has a logical flow, but sometimes the shifts between paragraphs feel a bit abrupt. Use transition phrases to guide the reader.
task achievement
You have included relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning Bangkok and Loei, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and clear, effectively framing your argument.
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