IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #cities #people’s #health
While
 it is widely accused that living in big cities can impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
residential's
Replace the word
residents's
show examples
 health negatively, others argue that there could be countless factors that
contributing
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
 to
medical
Add an article
the medical
show examples
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 of living in
such
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
show examples
. The reason why I agree with
this
 controversial topic will be elaborated on
this
Change preposition
in this
show examples
eassay
Correct your spelling
essay
.
To begin
 with, it may
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 sensible for some to believe that
situated
Add a missing verb
being situated
show examples
 in big cities can be somewhat worrying, especially in terms of
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 aspect.
This
 is
possibly
Replace the adverb
possible
show examples
 because
such
 crowded residential
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 often
expose
Wrong verb form
exposed
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
types
Change preposition
of types
show examples
 of pollution like noise, air, and traffic. Take Bangkok,
for example
; with a crowded and congested road, full
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 pollution from the car
honk
Replace the word
honking
show examples
 and
fume
Fix the agreement mistake
fumes
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cars is large
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with
other city
Change the wording
another city
other cities
show examples
 like Loei which is a minor city.
However
, I personally argue in favour of
detrimental
Correct article usage
the detrimental
show examples
 effect of living in major cities seeing that
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
important
Add an article
an important
the important
show examples
 role
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 an individual's health. To simply explain,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good health can
be maintain
Change the verb form
be maintained
show examples
 with
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 environment.
Therefore
, there is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
evident
Replace the word
evidence
show examples
 shows that people living in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
slum
Fix the agreement mistake
slums
show examples
 often sick easily
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with those who
living
Change the form of the verb
live
show examples
 in private residential
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
due to
 poor hygiene.
Morerover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, when
rate
Add an article
the rate
show examples
 of sick residents
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 on the rise, the greater the expenditure for the government to take care
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 as well which might affect
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the unbalanced distribution of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
monetary support. To exemplify, during winter,
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 the surge of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
PM 2.5 particles is densely floating in Bangkok, triggering people to have
asthma
Add an article
an asthma
show examples
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
 and allergies to
be worsen
Change the verb form
worsen
show examples
. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that staying in
large
Add an article
the large
a large
show examples
 city
often
Add a missing verb
is often
show examples
 viewed negatively as it mostly
dealt
Wrong verb form
deals
show examples
 with various disturbances: pollution and traffic, I am of the opinion that these
aformentioned
Correct your spelling
aforementioned
 factors do affect peoples' quality of life and the government
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to take action toward
those threat
Change the determiner
that threat
those threats
show examples
 in order to promote
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better care of their peoples
as well as
 to reduce medical expenses.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have answered the prompt well and provided relevant examples. However, there are minor errors in grammar and vocabulary that slightly affect clarity. Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly and connects to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay is logically structured with clear transitions between points. Your essay has a logical flow, but sometimes the shifts between paragraphs feel a bit abrupt. Use transition phrases to guide the reader.
task achievement
You have included relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning Bangkok and Loei, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and clear, effectively framing your argument.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!