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Band 3.5

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? m

#gyms #lifestyle #popularity #world #m
Nowadays one of our main
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 is having a large of gyms but
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sedentary behaviour is
ganging
Verb problem
gaining
show examples
 popularity in the world.The possible cause of
this
 underlying problem cause of
health
 issues .
This
 essay will discuss
solution
Add an article
the solution
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 dispute. The major reason why we have
inactive
Add an article
an inactive
show examples
 lifestyle, for instance, many
people
 especially teenagers
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
don’t prefer going to the gym.They think it’s just a waste of time and money. But many humans don’t have
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 and time to go to the
health
 club. Because of not enough time and finance.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
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 a lot of
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 are busy with work ,children and housekeeping resulting in not having enough age
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 most of them will get
health
 mess cause of not enough physical activity.
Firstly
 my solution to avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
 issues ,
we
Add a missing verb
is we
show examples
need
Add the particle
need to
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 know how sport affects
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our life and bloom.
Secondly
, even from a young age at school, at
university
Add a comma
university,
show examples
this
 should be the foundation.
Whether we
Correct word choice
We
show examples
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
compare
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of humans in Kazakhstan who
not
Add a missing verb
do not
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 play sports more than 60%and
people
 who
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 sports 39%
constitutes
Verb problem
apply
show examples
. If they haven’t any chance to go to
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
then
 can do it at home. In short
it’s depends
Change the verb form
it depends
show examples
 on
people
.
To conclude
, we must
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
increase the number of
people
 who are for a healthy life, and care about our strength.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 development
needs
Add the particle
needs to
show examples
 reduce the number of gyms which paid,
provide
Correct word choice
and provide
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 quantity of free gyms.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by relevant details and examples. The essay should address the prompt fully by identifying the problems caused by a sedentary lifestyle and providing detailed solutions.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitional phrases and connectives to enhance the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This can help the essay read more smoothly and coherently.
language
Check for grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures to make the essay more engaging. Make sure to proofread the work for typos and small errors.
structure
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which frame the discussion appropriately.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic of sedentary lifestyle and attempts to provide possible causes and solutions, maintaining relevance to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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