IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Excessive consumption of sugar causes many health related issues. Some people believe the government should control population’s sugar intake while others think people themselves should be responsible for their sugar eating habits. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Health
Use synonyms
 issues nowadays mainly the uncontrolled consumption of sugar
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 one of the main concerns that the
government
Use synonyms
 is facing now
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 Many
people
Use synonyms
 shift the blame it go the
government
Use synonyms
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 should be responsible
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 its
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 conditions.
However
Linking Words
, there are
people
Use synonyms
argue
Correct pronoun usage
who argue
show examples
 as well that it is an own's
responsibility
Use synonyms
 to be crucial in eating food that
people
Use synonyms
 must indulge
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
Due to
Linking Words
increased
Correct article usage
the increased
show examples
 rate of cases of patients who consume sugar in their
daliy
Correct your spelling
daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, many significant others stated that the
government
Use synonyms
has
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not
enough
Add a missing verb
have enough
show examples
 solutions and reforms
in minimizing
Change preposition
to minimize
show examples
 the production and consumption of sugar. The
government
Use synonyms
 funded the agencies and departments more when it
comes
Wrong verb form
came
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 developing the economy rather than raising and focusing
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 issues. A citizen named Barbara James says, "The
government
Use synonyms
 is mainly focusing on developing the economy without paying attention to its
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.". If
this
Linking Words
 problem continues, many
people
Use synonyms
 in each
communities
Change to a singular noun
community
show examples
 will have more cases of death and surely will remark the country as a poor country.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those who are in the
previliged
Correct your spelling
privileged
 areas, mostly, stated that it is the citizen's
responsibility
Use synonyms
 to
educated
Wrong verb form
educate
show examples
 themselves and be mindful of what they're enjoying. Based on studies, most of the patients who suffer
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
from this
show examples
 condition
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been living with sedentary
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 uncontrolled
craving
Fix the agreement mistake
cravings
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 sweet pastries and beverages. An example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 those employee who works in a very stressful environment and time of shifts.
This
Linking Words
 will lead them to crave sweets which
compensates
Correct subject-verb agreement
compensate
show examples
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 hormonal changes in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 human body.
Thus
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
 are educated and have proper control
with
Change preposition
over
show examples
 their diet, it is most likely for them to acquire
this
Linking Words
 condition. In conclusion, the
government
Use synonyms
 has many
Use synonyms
responsibility
Change to a plural noun
responsibilities
show examples
 including the
health
Use synonyms
 of its
people
Use synonyms
. They have a huge part in maintaining a good
health
Use synonyms
 environment for everyone.
However
Linking Words
, it is somehow, the
people
Use synonyms
's
responsibility
Use synonyms
 as well to have a
balance
Change the verb form
balanced
show examples
 diet to have a healthy body.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Linking words and phrases can help to make the text flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical structure by clearly outlining your main arguments and supporting points. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and sticks to one main idea.
task achievement
For task achievement, make sure you address all parts of the prompt fully and provide a balanced discussion of both views. Each argument should be well-developed with specific details and examples.
task achievement
To improve clarity and comprehensiveness, work on expressing ideas more clearly and concisely. Avoid overly complex sentences that could confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your arguments effectively.
task achievement
The task has been responded to by addressing both views and giving your own opinion, which helps in achieving a complete response.
task achievement
The examples and quotes provided help to support your arguments and make the essay more engaging.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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