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Band 2

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Compare and contrast the advantages & disadvantages

#time #population #countries #adults #people #contrast
Nowadays, a lot of
contries
Correct your spelling
countries
 in our world
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 launched new propaganda to
encourge
Correct your spelling
encourage
 people
giving
Change the verb form
to give
show examples
 birth because of the target that they want to expand the gross domestic productivity.
Therefore
, the
number
 of
childbirth
Fix the agreement mistake
childbirths
show examples
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased resulting in a large
number
 of young adults.
New
Add an article
A new
The new
show examples
 generation has come. So, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 much more
creativitity
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creativity
 compared to the past.
Adolscents
Correct your spelling
Adolescents
 have fresh energy to start their tasks ambitiously. These people will drive the country to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
shine
Change the verb form
shining
show examples
 future. The more
humen
Correct your spelling
humans
 give birth, the more workers run the country.
However
, agricultural products suddenly decrease after
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
show examples
number
 of childbirths.
High
Correct article usage
The high
show examples
 rate of consuming natural
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 reaches to shooting
number
 of wastes.
Moreover
, competition in the job will be harder than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past
that
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 there was
small
Change the article
a small
the small
show examples
number
 of job seekers. In conclusion, these advantages and disadvantages are happening in our
social
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society
show examples
. The
wrter
Correct your spelling
writer
water
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
 we should have more
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the future environment and spare resources for the next
youger
Correct your spelling
younger
 generations.
Submitted by itsmeatommm on

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task achievement
Your introduction would benefit from a clearer focus on the topic. While you mention a rise in the number of young adults due to increased birth rates, it would be more effective to connect this to the given essay prompt about comparing advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Each paragraph should develop a single main idea more fully. For example, the advantages could be better explained with clear and specific examples, and the disadvantages should also be explored with more depth.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas by using cohesive devices such as transition words. For instance, phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' can help clarify the comparison.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to stick to the topic and elaborate on both advantages and disadvantages equally to achieve a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Support your points with specific examples. For instance, how exactly do young adults drive economic growth? How does competition in the job market become tougher? This would make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion does a good job summarizing the main points and bringing the essay to a close.
task achievement
Your essay touches on several important points related to the topic, such as the economic impact and resource consumption.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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