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Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Some would say that
parents
 should teach their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 how to be good
members
 of
society
,
while
 others are of the opinion that
school
 is the best in
this
 regard.
This
 essay agrees with the latter, despite
parents
 can give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
practical
experiences
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
children
,
school
lessons
 can give insights
what
Change preposition
into what
show examples
 it takes to be good citizens. Some believe that
parents
 can educate their
children
 about being good
members
 of
society
 based on their life
experiences
.
This
 is because the life
experiences
 that
parents
 can give their
children
 are straightforward and so they can easily apply what their
parents
 teach them in reality.
For example
, many
children
 in
Korean
Correct your spelling
Korea
show examples
 become more polite, honest, and caring to everyone as a direct result of the practical
lessons
 that their
parents
 give them at home.
However
, I believe that
parents
 now are so busy and do not spend much time with their
children
 teaching them.
The others
Correct article usage
Others
show examples
 insist that
lessons
 at
school
 can provide
children
 with valuable insights into being good
members
 of
society
. In class, students can receive
lessons
 about
different
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
 traits of a truly good person that
society
 needs, and
then
 they put what they learn into practice by creating real-life problems and solving them together.
For instance
, after receiving
lessons
 in civic education at
school
, many Korean students are more willing to help their
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
 and they feel extremely happy after doing something good for others.
For
this
 reason, I believe that
school
lessons
 are more influential to young
children
. In conclusion, despite the practical
experiences
 that
parents
 can give their
children
 at home,
this
 essay believes that
school
lessons
 can help students deepen their understanding of being good
members
 of
society
.
Submitted by cmw9101 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay addresses both views more comprehensively. While you have mentioned both perspectives, expanding a bit more on the point where parents contribute would make your response even more balanced and thorough.
coherence cohesion
Work on seamless transitions between your ideas to improve the flow of your essay. For instance, adding more transitional phrases can help your reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical errors to make your essay more polished. For example, "despite parents can give the practical experiences their children" should be "despite the fact that parents can give practical experiences to their children."
task achievement
You have provided clear and relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are concise and clear, setting up your argument well and summarizing it effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported and logically structured, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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