IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, workers over 60 can still be found in the workplace. However, some people think that this may cause social problems and they should be retired. Do you agree or disagree?

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In most nations, we can still meet the situation that some communities have a number of
employees
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 over 60
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
.
However
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, some folks believe that old
people
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 should be retired because that can cause social problems. In line with the former statement, I believe that humans over 60 should still be in industries for two main reasons. On the one hand, it is believed that
employees
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 over 60 years old should retire because
people
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 believe that they do not have much energy to do a lot of tasks.
For example
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, young
employees
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 still have much spirit after cleaning a bathroom in the office,
while
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 the older might not have much energy to do another task.
For instance
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, some communities do not give a chance to old
employees
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 to do that kind of task as they see the young generations have more impact.
On the other hand
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, job opportunities should be open for all
people
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 as it is believed that all
people
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 deserve the same chance. The chance of getting jobs should not be restricted only to the young generation as
this
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 would bring discrimination. The companies should open qualification for some jobs for all ages. To illustrate, the easier jobs
such
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 as cleaning tables and chairs in the restaurant should be open for all ages.
Secondly
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, humans over 60 years old may have a lot of experience that can bring advantages to the company. The company will be able to cope with some problems through advice from their senior
employees
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due to
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 their experiences.
For instance
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, they can give an idea of how the company should do when there is a work accident in the workplace.
Consequently
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, it brings harmony in the workplace as the old generations can give good advice and the young generations can learn and adapt to the experiences of the older. In conclusion,
although
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people
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 over 60 years old may not have a lot of energy in the workplace, it is not a big trouble as they have some experiences that bring benefits to the companies. I,
therefore
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 in line with them who are convinced that old folks should be given the same opportunity to obtain the job.

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task achievement
Ensure that all parts of the question are addressed fully. Consider discussing potential social problems mentioned in the prompt to show a more balanced view.
task achievement
Make sure to develop each main point clearly and comprehensively. Some points can be expanded upon to give a more thorough analysis.
coherence cohesion
Work on smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Try to eliminate minor grammatical mistakes and improve sentence structure for better clarity and readability.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction provides a clear stance on the issue, setting the stage for the arguments to follow.
relevant specific examples
The essay presents relevant and specific examples to support the points made, such as the comparison between young and older employees in task performance.
introduction conclusion present
There is a clear conclusion that restates the main argument and wraps up the essay effectively.
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