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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that computer skills should be added to primary subjects such as reading, writing, and math in elementary schools. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Humanity's reliance on
computers
Use synonyms
 has been increasing exponentially throughout the
last
Linking Words
 decades.
As a result
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 of
this
Linking Words
, a group of people are now in favour of integrating computer
skills
Use synonyms
 within elementary school curriculums as a primary subject like math, reading, and writing. I, too, strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 notion that people should develop an
aptude
Correct your spelling
aptitude
 for
computers
Use synonyms
 at an age when knowledge is more likely to become bonified. An overwhelming majority of us can agree that
computers
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 have now become the standard way of working in most industries. Employees are not only expected to work with the assistance of
computers
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, but it is highly likely that those preferring not to do so will grossly underperform compared to their colleagues
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 take advantage of
computers
Use synonyms
' ability to seamlessly carry out time-consuming calculations.
Therefore
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, those of us who have adopted the
skills
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 needed to operate
computers
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 with ease during elementary school will easily surpass
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
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 counterparts,
while
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 those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have neglected to develop an aptitude
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
computers
Use synonyms
 are doomed to a struggle to catch up.
For instance
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, consider a person working at the management office of a construction company. Most construction companies now rely on software solutions like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
CRM
tool
Fix the agreement mistake
tools
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.
Thus
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, not having gained the necessary
skills
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 to understand the computer interface that their CRM solution relies on will mean that they will have the extra challenge of developing these
skills
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 carrying out their other tasks at the same time.
However
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, a colleague who had developed these
skills
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 at a young age would find it much easier to operate the aforementioned software. In conclusion, improving one's aptitude with
computers
Use synonyms
 is rapidly becoming a requirement rather than
choice
Correct article usage
a choice
show examples
 in the workplace.
This
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, in conjunction with the many benefits that accompany a solid aptitude with
computers
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, is sure to make it a major benefit for the future
for
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of
show examples
 elementary school students.

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task achievement
To improve your task achievement, consider addressing potential counterarguments. This will show a deeper understanding of the topic and provide a more balanced view. Including this will demonstrate a higher level of critical thinking.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. While the essay flows relatively well, linking sentences or phrases can enhance overall coherence. For example, using transitional phrases like 'Furthermore,' or 'In contrast,' can help.
coherence cohesion
Clarify and expand on complex ideas to ensure they're fully developed and easy to follow. More detailed explanations can add depth and enrich your argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and effectively frame the main argument, which provides a strong start and end to the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the main points, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is mostly clear, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point. This helps in maintaining a focused argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive, making it easy for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning.
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