IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, it is viewed that
music
Use synonyms
 is
one
Use synonyms
 big and excellent tool
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 drawing individuals of diverse
believes
Replace the word
beliefs
show examples
 and ages together. I partly agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 view. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand,
music
Use synonyms
 indeed is a
Use synonyms
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
good route of pulling crowds of diverse societies and age groups.
People
Use synonyms
 love some artists
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 they can pay anything to see that person perform.
Music
Use synonyms
 is
one
Use synonyms
 tool that hits
one
Use synonyms
's soul, mind and heart until a person forgets all their troubles. It literally takes a grip of
one
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the late Michael Jackson is
one
Use synonyms
 idol or artist who captures
people
Use synonyms
's attention. Moreso, wherever he performed, thousands of
people
Use synonyms
 would gather and would not even want to go to their homes. It was like, they worshipped him.
Thus
Linking Words
, how powerful
music
Use synonyms
 can be
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Hence
Linking Words
, it should be noted that
music
Use synonyms
 can bring individuals of different societies and ages together.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, sports tournaments and movie star shows or entertainment programs are other
crowd pullers
Add a hyphen
crowd-pullers
show examples
 as well.
Further
Linking Words
, it should be noted that some
people
Use synonyms
 may travel from afar and pay any amount, just to attend any of the above-mentioned
crowd puller
Add a hyphen
crowd-puller
show examples
 programs.
For example
Linking Words
, soccer fans adore soccer to the extent of some flying to other nations, just to watch a World Cup Final game. In conclusion, as much as I agree that
music
Use synonyms
 can bring
people
Use synonyms
 of different cultures and ages together, it should be noted that there are other things that may do
likewise
Linking Words
, like sports tournaments and movie star shows or entertainment programs, especially soccer, like to mention
one
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay should provide more relevant and detailed examples to support the main points. Expand on the points made in the essay with specific examples or statistics.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring that the ideas flow more smoothly from one paragraph to the next. Use transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction and conclusion to ensure they clearly reflect the main argument and summarise the key points effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction provides a clear stance on the topic and sets the stage for the discussion.
complete response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: