IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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Nowadays, it is viewed that
music
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 is
one
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 big and excellent tool
of
Change preposition
for
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 drawing individuals of diverse
believes
Replace the word
beliefs
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 and ages together. I partly agree
to
Change preposition
with
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this
Linking Words
 view. On the
one
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 hand,
music
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 indeed is a
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one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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good route of pulling crowds of diverse societies and age groups.
People
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 love some artists
that
Correct word choice
so that
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 they can pay anything to see that person perform.
Music
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 is
one
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 tool that hits
one
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's soul, mind and heart until a person forgets all their troubles. It literally takes a grip of
one
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.
For instance
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, the late Michael Jackson is
one
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 idol or artist who captures
people
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's attention. Moreso, wherever he performed, thousands of
people
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 would gather and would not even want to go to their homes. It was like, they worshipped him.
Thus
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, how powerful
music
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 can be
.
Change the punctuation
?
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Hence
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, it should be noted that
music
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 can bring individuals of different societies and ages together.
On the other hand
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, sports tournaments and movie star shows or entertainment programs are other
crowd pullers
Add a hyphen
crowd-pullers
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 as well.
Further
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, it should be noted that some
people
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 may travel from afar and pay any amount, just to attend any of the above-mentioned
crowd puller
Add a hyphen
crowd-puller
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 programs.
For example
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, soccer fans adore soccer to the extent of some flying to other nations, just to watch a World Cup Final game. In conclusion, as much as I agree that
music
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 can bring
people
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 of different cultures and ages together, it should be noted that there are other things that may do
likewise
Linking Words
, like sports tournaments and movie star shows or entertainment programs, especially soccer, like to mention
one
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by pncubeterera on

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task achievement
The essay should provide more relevant and detailed examples to support the main points. Expand on the points made in the essay with specific examples or statistics.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring that the ideas flow more smoothly from one paragraph to the next. Use transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction and conclusion to ensure they clearly reflect the main argument and summarise the key points effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction provides a clear stance on the topic and sets the stage for the discussion.
complete response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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