Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

At the present time, education and other activities play a crucial role in youngster’s life. Some folk believe that the government should spend their
money
on education.
On the contrary
, some people think that higher authorities have to spend
money
on extracurricular activities. The views will be given regarding
this
matter in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, some people deem that improvement is more important for children's growth. To explicate it clearly, If the politics
spends
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spend
show examples
their
money
on education children get huge opportunities in the future. Resultantly, they can create a strong nation.
Moreover
, nowadays technology has become a skyscraper.
Thus
, the law should spend
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
to make classes digital, It will help
students
to learn subjects in a fun way and they can easily remember their study topics by watching videos
instead
of reading books.
Additionally
, the ministry
also
give
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gives
show examples
scholarships and student loans to recruitment for their improvement. Resultantly, more
students
can study in their home country or else in a foreign land.
For example
, Germany’s law spent 50%
funds
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of funds
show examples
on culture.
Therefore
, their
students
are more educated in comparison to other countries.
On the other hand
, some mankind
think
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thinks
show examples
that the authority should spend their
money
on extracurricular
enterprise
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enterprises
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, doing other
action
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actions
show examples
gives the young generation some change in their daily life.
Furthermore
, the authority
use
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uses
show examples
their bill to increase sports and arts facilities in their country so more pupils gain their knowledge in
these enterprise
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this enterprise
these enterprises
show examples
and they can become physically and mentally fit.
Apart from
this
, they can make their career in different fields by gaining their abilities.
For instance
, the Canadian and the US ministry spent
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
most of
Correct article usage
the bill
show examples
bill
Fix the agreement mistake
bills
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on increasing sports grounds for their young generation. In conclusion, culture and free time activities both are equally important for youngsters. Ergo, literacy
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
students
knowledgeable persons and it will be beneficial for the nation. We can not deny the benefits of extracurricular exercise
such
as
,
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apply
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the physical and mental growth of the young generation. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
government spent its funds on equal bases
Submitted by kaverigoti2209 on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a clearer and more specific thesis statement in the introduction to set the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
The argument could be strengthened by elaborating on how precisely extracurricular activities and education complement each other, rather than stating their individual benefits.
coherence cohesion
The points could be better developed and connected with transitional phrases, ensuring that there is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use a consistent and clear structure, such as the PEEL (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link) method, for each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
To avoid any misunderstandings or awkward phrasing, it may be beneficial to review the grammar and vocabulary. Some expressions and sentences need to be clearer and more precise.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the importance of both education and extracurricular activities.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a sense of completeness to the essay.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as those from Germany, Canada, and the US, to support the main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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