Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
At the present time, education and other activities play a crucial role in youngster’s life. Some folk believe that the government should spend their
money
on education. On the contrary
, some people think that higher authorities have to spend money
on extracurricular activities. The views will be given regarding this
matter in upcoming paragraphs.
On the one hand, some people deem that improvement is more important for children's growth. To explicate it clearly, If the politics spends
their Change the verb form
spend
money
on education children get huge opportunities in the future. Resultantly, they can create a strong nation. Moreover
, nowadays technology has become a skyscraper. Thus
, the law should spend fund
to make classes digital, It will help Fix the agreement mistake
funds
students
to learn subjects in a fun way and they can easily remember their study topics by watching videos instead
of reading books. Additionally
, the ministry also
give
scholarships and student loans to recruitment for their improvement. Resultantly, more Change the verb form
gives
students
can study in their home country or else in a foreign land. For example
, Germany’s law spent 50% funds
on culture. Change preposition
of funds
Therefore
, their students
are more educated in comparison to other countries.
On the other hand
, some mankind think
that the authority should spend their Change the verb form
thinks
money
on extracurricular enterprise
, doing other Fix the agreement mistake
enterprises
action
gives the young generation some change in their daily life. Fix the agreement mistake
actions
Furthermore
, the authority use
their bill to increase sports and arts facilities in their country so more pupils gain their knowledge in Change the verb form
uses
these enterprise
and they can become physically and mentally fit. Change the determiner
this enterprise
these enterprises
Apart from
this
, they can make their career in different fields by gaining their abilities. For instance
, the Canadian and the US ministry spent their
most of Correct pronoun usage
apply
Correct article usage
the bill
bill
on increasing sports grounds for their young generation.
In conclusion, culture and free time activities both are equally important for youngsters. Ergo, literacy Fix the agreement mistake
bills
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
students
knowledgeable persons and it will be beneficial for the nation. We can not deny the benefits of extracurricular exercise such
as,
the physical and mental growth of the young generation. In my Remove the comma
apply
opinion
government spent its funds on equal basesAdd a comma
opinion,
Submitted by kaverigoti2209 on
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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a clearer and more specific thesis statement in the introduction to set the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
The argument could be strengthened by elaborating on how precisely extracurricular activities and education complement each other, rather than stating their individual benefits.
coherence cohesion
The points could be better developed and connected with transitional phrases, ensuring that there is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use a consistent and clear structure, such as the PEEL (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link) method, for each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
To avoid any misunderstandings or awkward phrasing, it may be beneficial to review the grammar and vocabulary. Some expressions and sentences need to be clearer and more precise.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the importance of both education and extracurricular activities.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a sense of completeness to the essay.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as those from Germany, Canada, and the US, to support the main points.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?