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Band 4

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage? What do you prefer?

#people #business #company #organization #outweigh
Work
 is the backbone
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 human survival. Most people exchange time for money five days a week and 40 years of their lives. Some people do
this
 by running their own company
while
 others
work
 for an employer.
Although
 there are benefits to being employed, I prefer to run my own business because I can manage my own time and
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
show examples
. Since I had my own company, I can decide when to
work
 and when not to
work
. Either I have many customers, I can choose to
work
 12 hours a day or, in
slow
Add an article
the slow
a slow
show examples
 season, I may take a vacation for two weeks.
For instance
, my hotel was very busy
last
 Saturday, with over 100 bookings, so I decided to
work
 four hours
overtime
Change preposition
of overtime
show examples
.
This
 is one of two reasons I prefer self-employment. In my own
business
Add a comma
business,
show examples
 I set the budget. I can not only how much on rent, salary or equipment, but
also
 where and when to spend it.
For instance
, since I spent 4 weekend days at
work
due to
 the busy season, I decided to treat
my self
Correct your spelling
myself
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
1 week
Add a hyphen
1-week
show examples
 vacation to Thailand with
budget
Add an article
a budget
the budget
show examples
 of 1000 US dollars.
This
 is another reason I prefer to
work
 for myself. Clearly, the benefits of running my own business are control over schedule and money.
Therefore
, I definitely choose to
work
 for
my self
Correct your spelling
myself
show examples
 rather than an employer For people who like control, having their own businesses
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 better choice.
Submitted by aesacademyforenglishstudy on

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task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the preference for self-employment over working for an employer, but it does not fully address the comparative analysis between the advantages and disadvantages of both options.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is fairly clear, but better transitions between ideas and paragraphs would make it even more cohesive. For instance, linking sentences that connect the introduction to the first main point could improve the flow.
task achievement
The inclusion of specific examples, such as working overtime in a hotel and budgeting for a vacation, strengthens the argument. However, exploring more varied examples could provide a more comprehensive picture.
coherence cohesion
While the essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, the introduction could be more engaging, and the conclusion could provide a more impactful summary of the main points and restate the thesis more effectively.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from addressing counterarguments or including a more balanced view that acknowledges the potential disadvantages of running one's own business as well as the disadvantages of working for an employer.
content
The writer has clearly stated their preference for running their own business and provided specific personal examples to illustrate their points, which makes their argument compelling and relatable.
structure
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to frame the overall discussion clearly.
evidence
The use of specifics, such as the example of working overtime at a hotel and budgeting for a vacation, adds credibility and depth to the writer's argument.
language
Sentence structure is generally varied, and language use is clear, which makes the essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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