Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this?

There is no doubt ,that nowadays children are actively involved in playing violent
games
on computers and mobile. Some people think that playing these
games
increases crime in the urban areas of the country. I partially agree with
this
statement and explain my opinion
further
in
this
essay with some examples.
To begin
with , Apart from
games
many other things
such
as alcohol , illiteracy and poverty are
also
the major reasons for increasing crime globally .
For Example
,A Delhi Times revealed that more crimes are happening in undeveloped countries to get basic necessary items like food and clothes .
Moreover
,some teenagers are
also
addicted to abusive substances and they do not have control over their minds and
as a result
, they commit crimes.
Secondly
, these days young kids are playing more
games
throughout the day and because of
this
reason, they do not interact with anyone.
furthermore
,they feel isolated and
this
nature can lead to serious health issues
such
as depression ,stress and anxiety .
For example
, recently in my city, a six-year-old boy fell down from the terrace because they were acting like his favourite superhero.
To conclude
, I believe that the government should ban aggressive
games
and parents should
also
intervene in their child's day-to-day activity whether it is related to
games
or any other.
In addition
, the authority should focus on other things as well like , education ,drugs and poverty for the development of the country and to stop crime in the nation.
Submitted by preetiaug25 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
You should ensure that your essay is clearly organized with each paragraph having a clear main idea. This will help increase the coherence and logical structure of your essay.
Task Achievement
Try to develop your ideas more thoroughly. While you have provided examples, a bit more elaboration on each point would strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain consistent punctuation and avoid unnecessary commas (e.g., 'To conclude ,'). Proper punctuation will enhance the readability of your essay.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction is effective and clearly states your viewpoint, preparing the reader for what to expect in the essay.
Task Achievement
You have included relevant examples which help to substantiate your points, such as the example from Delhi Times and the incident from your city.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your argument.

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