Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this?
There is no doubt ,that nowadays children are actively involved in playing violent
games
on computers and mobile. Some people think that playing these games
increases crime in the urban areas of the country. I partially agree with this
statement and explain my opinion further
in this
essay with some examples.
To begin
with , Apart from games
many other things such
as alcohol , illiteracy and poverty are also
the major reasons for increasing crime globally . For Example
,A Delhi Times revealed that more crimes are happening in undeveloped countries to get basic necessary items like food and clothes . Moreover
,some teenagers are also
addicted to abusive substances and they do not have control over their minds and as a result
, they commit crimes.
Secondly
, these days young kids are playing more games
throughout the day and because of this
reason, they do not interact with anyone. furthermore
,they feel isolated and this
nature can lead to serious health issues such
as depression ,stress and anxiety . For example
, recently in my city, a six-year-old boy fell down from the terrace because they were acting like his favourite superhero.
To conclude
, I believe that the government should ban aggressive games
and parents should also
intervene in their child's day-to-day activity whether it is related to games
or any other. In addition
, the authority should focus on other things as well like , education ,drugs and poverty for the development of the country and to stop crime in the nation.Submitted by preetiaug25 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
You should ensure that your essay is clearly organized with each paragraph having a clear main idea. This will help increase the coherence and logical structure of your essay.
Task Achievement
Try to develop your ideas more thoroughly. While you have provided examples, a bit more elaboration on each point would strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain consistent punctuation and avoid unnecessary commas (e.g., 'To conclude ,'). Proper punctuation will enhance the readability of your essay.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction is effective and clearly states your viewpoint, preparing the reader for what to expect in the essay.
Task Achievement
You have included relevant examples which help to substantiate your points, such as the example from Delhi Times and the incident from your city.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your argument.
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