IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions.

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It is universally accepted that fast
food
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consuming
Replace the word
consumption
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 becomes the  main trouble in the lives of the
individuals
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 who are living in the 21st century which can lead to enhancing  the
risk
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 of
obesity
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 and have dangerous long-term 
consequenses
Correct your spelling
consequences
,especially when it comes to adolescents and youngsters.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine
causes
Correct article usage
the causes
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 of weight gain,
effects
Correct pronoun usage
its effects
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 and possible solutions. One of the main causes is children tend to consume unhealthy
meals
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due to
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 their mouth-watering and appetizing tastes which provide them with pleasurable sensations.
Furthermore
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,they ingest ready
meals
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 with reinforced amounts of mayonnaise,
salt
Correct word choice
and salt
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 which retain water in the body.Another reason is the lack of
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
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 in
daily
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the daily
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 routine of young
individuals
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due to
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 contemporary technologies which give them the opportunity to move less.The
hird
Correct your spelling
third
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 circumstance which can lead to
existence
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the existence
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 of serious  health concerns is spending plenty of time online on social media and other platforms for playing games.To cite an example, in my medical
university
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university,
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 I
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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observed a 10-year-old boy who suffered from
obesity
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 and type-2 diabetes.When I asked him what nourishments he had  consumed in daily life, he said that his parents had provided him with ready
meals
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 from fast
food
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 restaurants in order to not waste time
for
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apply
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cooking. One of the primary effects  of overconsuming quickly prepared ready dishes is unmodifiable changes in the human body which includes a drastic increase in blood sugar levels and type-2 diabetes.
Furthermore
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, it can affect bone health and tremendously enhance the
risk
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 of heart diseases
such
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 as stroke and certain types of cancers.
Subsequently
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,
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overall
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the overall
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 well-being of teenagers would be in terrible condition and they would be regular visitors
of
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to
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 hospitals.Eventually,
individuals
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  who are obese have an increased 
risk
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 of premature death in comparison with healthy people whose diet supplements do not contain
of
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apply
show examples
ready
meals
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. To give an example, scientists from the American Heart Association who examined  numerous children who suffered from different stages of
obesity
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 came up with the idea that weight gain is a major
risk
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 factor
of
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for
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 cardiovascular diseases around the world. One effective solution  to  ensure children behave appropriately way is to give them clear guidelines from parents and school teachers about the foods they need to eat to be physically and mentally healthy in the future.
Similarly
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,they need to be provided with real-life examples of fat
individuals
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 who encounter numerous health problems which cannot be easily cured.From an early age, adolescents should  be enrolled in sports clubs by supervisors or close relatives.What's more crucial nowadays is to significantly increase taxes on fast
food
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 production.
Consequently
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,people will face two  options: spend more on fast
food
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 than they intended or purchase healthy,fresh fruits,
vegetables
Correct word choice
and vegetables
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 at  reasonable prices. Taking everything into consideration,
obesity
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 is a chronic medical condition which can cause countless obstacles that will change the routine of a person to the tough side.
Individuals
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 of all ages should be aware of ingredients,cooking processes,
additives
Correct word choice
and additives
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 which are  supplied to ready
meals
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 in
each
Correct determiner usage
apply
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fast
food
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 restaurants.
Moreover
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,the government ought to impose taxes on unhealthy
food
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 production with a view to building a robust society that can give rise to healthy citizens.

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task achievement
The essay tackles the task effectively by addressing the causes, effects, and solutions for childhood obesity. However, the introduction has some minor grammatical issues which can slightly affect the clarity of the main argument.
task achievement
To enhance the task achievement, ensure that all sections flow smoothly and the points are fully elaborated. Some sentences, although meaningful, can be more concise to avoid redundancy.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and each paragraph discusses a specific aspect of the topic. However, there is some repetitiveness and occasional jumps between ideas that can confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Using more varied transition words and phrases can help in this regard. Also, avoid run-on sentences which can disrupt the flow.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response with relevant examples. This strengthens the arguments and makes them more relatable.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the points discussed and offers a call to action, which is a strong way to end the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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