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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that government should give high salary to the celebrities but others think that it should be provided to doctors and teachers discuss both views and give ur views

#people #government #salary #celebrities #doctors #teachers #ur
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people
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 have different views about whether the government should give high salaries to professionals like doctors, engineers and teachers or politicians and actors.
while
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 providing a high salary to famous personalities can help in promoting the entertainment industry to influence
people
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 in creating awareness, I believe that a high paycheck should be given to professional workers because it will boost the benefits of the nation. On the one hand, it is prevalent that most
people
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 nowadays are completely dependent on social media platforms for their entertainment which gives them instant gratification and happiness. The reason behind
this
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 is, that
this
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 industry serves as an intermediate source to convey any social messages or awareness in an easy and attractive way.
However
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, everyone has their personal favourites to follow their advice and promotions.
For example
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, In television show intervals and in movie theatres advertisements about tobacco usage created a great impact on youngsters and there is empirical evidence of reduced usage of it.
Therefore
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, celebrities like public servants and movie actors should get paid more to attract and guide
people
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 in a positive way.
On the other hand
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, it is perhaps even more important to increase the salary of doctors and teachers.
This
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 is because our nation's future development is in the hands of these personalities and in each core field the advancements are welcomed and these are making
people
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's lives easier when compared to the earlier stages.
Moreover
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, they should be well recognised through high paychecks to make them innovate more to help society.
For instance
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, there were more
people
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 who suffered to get a good education system and a proper healthcare system in India and the introduction of free health cards for every family made them benefit from any medical care free of cost.
Thus
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, increasing the earnings of the core field members will definitely help the nation to become a better place for thriving future generations.
Although
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 there are various benefits available if the government provides increased salaries to actors and politicians who can act as a medium to make the
people
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 understand any information easily, I believe that STEM stream persons should be given a lot more in terms of salary which in turn benefits the country and the society for its better future.
Submitted by chandralekha1993 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument and provides a clear opinion, which is essential for task achievement. However, there's room for improvement in the development of some ideas and examples. For instance, you could provide more specific examples and deeper analysis to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and follows a logical structure. You have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To enhance coherence, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas more fluidly.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported by examples, but sometimes the connection between the argument and the example can be made more explicit. Ensure that each example directly supports the main point it follows.
task achievement
You have a clear and relevant introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
You've presented both sides of the argument fairly and provided a balanced discussion before stating your own opinion, which is a strong point.
task achievement
The examples provided, especially about tobacco advertisements and free health cards, are specific and relevant, which helps to illustrate your points well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • public funds
  • essential services
  • infrastructure
  • economic contribution
  • public sector
  • private sector
  • high-profile
  • charismatic
  • lifesaving procedures
  • intellectual development
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