IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8.5

In the past, people stored knowledge in the book. Nowadays, people store knowledge on the internet. Do you think advantages outweigh disadvantages?

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Thanks to the significant development of technology, people prefer storing knowledge on the Internet rather than in traditional paper books. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both the pros and cons of
this
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 trend and present my perspective. On the one hand, one of the drawbacks of storing information online is the potential for health problems. Reading from technological devices
such
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 as smartphones, computers, or laptops can cause eye issues and disrupt sleep patterns
due to
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 the blue light effect.
For example
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,
according to
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 a Vinmec report in 2023, more than 60% of people aged 7 to 14 years old have developed short-sightedness
as a consequence
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 of too early and frequent contact with digital screens.
Moreover
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, students who are continuously accessing data online can be exposed to some online distractions.
Therefore
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, they can easily get sidetracked watching humorous videos, surfing newsfeeds on Facebook, or even spending hours on their favourite game.
Consequently
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, their working or studying productivity and quality can be lower.
On the other hand
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, the Internet offers enormous storage and promotes instant access. By providing information online, people can promptly access a vast array of resources regardless ò their time and location.
Additionally
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, online libraries can be cost-effective both for book collections and for maintenance. Reading e-books, e-magazines, or digital references often requires only a small fee, and sometimes it is free.
This
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 development significantly increases the literacy rate, especially in rural areas.
For instance
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, thanks to Khan Academy, millions of students from developing countries are able to learn numerous K12 courses ranging from Algebra, Geometry, Physics, Geography to Microeconomics or Government and Politics with only a connected computer. In conclusion,
although
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 storing information on the Internet can lead to health problems and distractions, I believe the advantages of being more accessible and cost-effective outweigh these disadvantages.

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coherence cohesion
While your points are well-structured, consider using more transitional phrases to enhance the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be more concise. This will improve readability and ensure your main points are easily understood.
task achievement
Include a brief mention of how potential health issues can be mitigated to present a balanced view in your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay's structure and provides a clear picture of what will be discussed.
task achievement
You offer specific examples that support your points well, especially the mention of Khan Academy in increasing literacy in rural areas.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves a clear impression of your stance on the topic.
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