Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree?h
It is controversial whether some
sports
and global sporting competitions with the use
of violence
should be broadcasted
on TV or not. I partially agree with Wrong verb form
broadcast
this
, for they are more likely to promote offensive acts among young people
, who often cannot tell the difference between right and wrong, regardless of the fact that the
violent Correct article usage
apply
sports
encourgage
Correct your spelling
encourage
people
to respect one another.
On the one hand, the use
of violence
in some sports
on TV has a potential negative effect on young viewers since it can deliver the wrong message that violence
is acceptable in any circumstances. In other words
, many children tend to associate physical strength with victories and supreme power, promoted
to Wrong verb form
promoting
use
violence
to solve various conflicts in life. Change preposition
of violence
For instance
, a scientific report conducted in Japan in 2020 has proved that the rate of those who respond in an offensive manner is approximately 30% higher when they have a habit of seeing violent sports
programs
than those who do not. Furthermore
, they are often less patient in discussing problems with others
to solve, believing that they are pointless as long as they possess good physical power to impress people
. Therefore
, media
should ban Correct article usage
the media
such
violent sports
programs
to encourage more logical and humane acts of individuals.
On the other hand
, it is not necessary to eliminate the
abusive Correct article usage
apply
sports
programs
as athletes can be regarded as good role models to follow rules and respect their adversaries for a
fair play. Indeed, Correct article usage
apply
audience
is often impressed by their sophisticated techniques so they do not cause any serious Add an article
the audience
harms
and injuries to Fix the agreement mistake
harm
others
. For example
, even though boxers are breeding in their faces while
they fight in a game, they are often not lethal and treated easily becasue
they Correct your spelling
because
use
violence
to demontrate
their advanced skills and not to hurt Correct your spelling
demonstrate
others
. In addition
to such
sports
shows stressing the importance of obeying rules and manners, they are quite valuable resources, from which people
are able to aquire
self-defensive techniques in Correct your spelling
acquire
emergency
. Add an article
an emergency
Consequently
, they are helpful in raising the awarenes
of the importance Correct your spelling
awareness
to
Change preposition
of
repsect
Wrong verb form
repsecting
others
as well as
protect
their own life.
In conclusion, I somewhat agree that abusive Wrong verb form
protecting
sports
programs
should be prevented before children are promoted
to Verb problem
encouraged
use
violence
in their daily life
. Fix the agreement mistake
lives
However
, they should be put more values from an educational perspective as people
are able to learn the essential moralities and gain the ability of self-protection in unexpected situations.Submitted by mizuho on
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task achievement
Try to be clearer on your standpoint. If you 'partially agree,' be specific about which aspects you agree and disagree with. This will provide a more balanced and nuanced argument.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical mistakes and typos, such as 'breeding in their faces' which should be 'bleeding in their faces' and 'demontrate' which should be 'demonstrate.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use linking words or transitional phrases to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, which makes the essay more convincing and engaging.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with a well-organized introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported and you handle the topic comprehensively, touching on both the negative and positive aspects of broadcasting violent sports.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.