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Band 5.5

Some people think that keeping pets is good for children while others think it is dangerous and unhealthy. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #pets #children
Nowadays, people are adopting
pets
 to accompany their
children
 in daily life.
While
 some of them think that
this
 approach is beneficial for their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development, others think of it as a dangerous and unhealthy action.
Redarding
Correct your spelling
Regarding
this
 matter, I totally believe that keeping
pets
 for
children
 is far more advantageous because of some reasons that will be set out below. First of all, having
pets
 to accompany the growth of
children
 will help them develop their sense of responsibility. By adopting
pets
,
children
 are taught to be able to take care of them, including feeding them on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis and showering them every week. Doing these daily habits will make
children
 improve
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 sense of punctuality and responsibility.
Moreover
, having
pets
 at home will help
children
 develop their mental and cognitive
abbilities
Correct your spelling
abilities
,
as well as
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to cherish and love the
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 important to them.
On the contrary
,
while
 some people argue that adopting
pets
 may result in unhealthiness,
this
 argument can easily be tackled by ensuring that our
pets
have
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not make any direct contact
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the outside environment
while
 playing with
children
. By doing
this
, we can ensure that our
pets
 are clean and sterile from any germs or viruses in the environment that may cause unwanted
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
.
Besides
 that, to prevent any dangerous accident
happening
Change preposition
from happening
show examples
 to the
children
, every
pets
Change to a singular noun
pet
show examples
 should be
tranied
Correct your spelling
trained
tried
 by the owners to behave
accordingly
 so that they are not being
aggresive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
. In conclusion, keeping
pets
 is important to develop
children
's sense of responsibility,
mental
Correct word choice
and mental
show examples
 and cognitive
abbilities
Correct your spelling
abilities
,
as well as
 teaching them about love, as long as they are kept clean when making contact with
children
.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to strengthen the connection between your points by using variety of cohesive devices. Avoid repetitions of similar structures. For instance, you often used 'by doing this' kind of structure. Varied approaches can enhance readability and engagement.
task achievement
Although the essay addresses the topic well, try to incorporate more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments. For example, you could mention specific studies or examples showing the benefits of pet ownership for children.
coherence cohesion
You crafted a strong introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your essay. Both are essential for leading the reader through your argument and neatly summarizing your perspective.
task achievement
Your main points about responsibility, development, and care were well articulated, supporting your thesis effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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