IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words

#minutes #countries #people #work #move #friends #families #development
Nowadays, many countries society are want to find their work, for that they have to move from one town to another. By leaving their friends and families. First of all, the reason for moving away from their hometown because of accomidation, high salary and they need to explore the some new thnigs for their own because of that the crowd want to leave the places where the live and
also
 they have to find some new persons to make connections between them and having new friends will be very helpful for their future and leaving their family and friends will may hurt them sometimes it will make the person homesick for somedays, so the person will communicate with them and
also
 with their current neighbour to make him or her self to come over their thoughts of home. After that a new social circle will form around the working nation. Example: If a person moves on to a kown city for his or her work means they already know their surrounding but moving to a unkown part means it will make them to feel alone. Disadvantages, Of moving to another field work will definitely make them to feel lonely and the main problem is language barreir, culture, money and their social circle will automatically change when moving to a new home and need to develop some new skills for their survival in the region. Example: A child was going to school for the first time so it was started crying because the parents are leaving them alone to some new community after regularly going to school the child stoped crying because it was adopted to the home. In the end we leave our born zone and homies for endeavor means
that is
 not the end of our journey it the beginning of our new life to know about the world.
This
 will help the new community to develop on thier own knowledge and skills. After some months the unknown area will be known for them.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clearer structure and more well-defined paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea supported by relevant examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving grammar and sentence structure to enhance readability. Avoid long, run-on sentences, and make sure each sentence is clear and concise.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction needs to be more engaging and better outline the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Similarly, the conclusion should summarize the main points effectively.
Task Achievement
Expand on the advantages and disadvantages of moving away for work with more specific examples from your own knowledge or experience. This will make the essay more compelling.
Task Achievement
Make sure to directly address the question by clearly stating whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa. This will help in providing a more balanced and complete response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay. This will help connect ideas and paragraphs more smoothly.
Task Achievement
The essay attempts to cover both advantages and disadvantages of moving away for work, which shows an effort to provide a balanced view.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are some relevant points made regarding the feelings of loneliness and the need to adapt to a new environment, which adds depth to the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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