IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Governments should support care vs. finance for retired people, while others believe that they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #support #care #finance #people #money
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There is a debate about whether
retirees
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility for themselves to ensure their
retirement
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of relying on
government
Use synonyms
 support. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both of these notions. In my
opinion
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 should combine the two methods together to ensure their
lives
Use synonyms
 after
retirement
Use synonyms
. There are several reasons for those who believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility for
people
Use synonyms
's retired
lives
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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,
retirees
Use synonyms
 deserve recognition for dedicating their entire
lives
Use synonyms
 to work, contributing to a better society, and paying taxes to the
government
Use synonyms
 during their working years.
Hence
Linking Words
, they should get better care from the
government
Use synonyms
 when they get old.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 must mandate the establishment of medical security and nursing facilities for its citizens. A developed country not only focuses on economic and technological development but
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also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
concerns
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
basic
Change preposition
with basic
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 security for all citizens; elderly care is one of them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those individuals who hold the
opinion
Use synonyms
 that
people
Use synonyms
 should save money for their retired
lives
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
believe that it is
more safe
Correct word choice
safer
show examples
 and reliable for
people
Use synonyms
 to ensure their quality of
life
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 should be aware of the importance of planning their
retirement
Use synonyms
 years
while
Linking Words
 they are still young. Set aside a small portion of their salary for their
retirement
Use synonyms
 and invest in pension funds to secure their
retirement
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, nursing institutions and hospitals cannot provide the most comfortable
life
Use synonyms
 to
retirees
Use synonyms
; most elderly
people
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 prefer to spend their
lives
Use synonyms
 with their families rather than go to old
people
Use synonyms
's homes. In my
opinion
Use synonyms
, relying solely on the
government
Use synonyms
 or individuals themselves is insufficient to ensure
people
Use synonyms
's
retirement
Use synonyms
;
instead
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should combine both methods to ensure a better quality of
life
Use synonyms
 in their later years. The
government
Use synonyms
 can offer basic security,
such
Linking Words
 as an annuity for
retirees
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the annuity can only cover a portion of their lifetime expenses. If
people
Use synonyms
 want to have a
better retired
Add a hyphen
better-retired
show examples
life
Use synonyms
, they should arrange a
retirement
Use synonyms
 budget for their
lives
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, whether pensioners rely on the
government
Use synonyms
 or take responsibility for themselves makes sense. In my
opinion
Use synonyms
, using both
government
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 and individual pension plans would be better for
people
Use synonyms
 to arrange their
retired
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
lives
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by duzirong on

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task achievement
Ensure that your paragraphs fully develop each point with sufficient examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on certain points to provide a more comprehensive discussion.
task achievement
Ensure that every argument is strongly supported with relevant examples and evidence.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion by presenting both perspectives clearly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and well-structured.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear progression of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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