IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Governments should support care vs. finance for retired people, while others believe that they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #support #care #finance #people #money
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There is a debate about whether
retirees
 should take responsibility for themselves to ensure their
retirement
instead
 of relying on
government
 support. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both of these notions. In my
opinion
,
people
 should combine the two methods together to ensure their
lives
 after
retirement
. There are several reasons for those who believe that the
government
 should take responsibility for
people
's retired
lives
.
Firstly
,
retirees
 deserve recognition for dedicating their entire
lives
 to work, contributing to a better society, and paying taxes to the
government
 during their working years.
Hence
, they should get better care from the
government
 when they get old.
Secondly
, the
government
 must mandate the establishment of medical security and nursing facilities for its citizens. A developed country not only focuses on economic and technological development but
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
concerns
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
basic
Change preposition
with basic
show examples
life
 security for all citizens; elderly care is one of them.
On the other hand
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those individuals who hold the
opinion
 that
people
 should save money for their retired
lives
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
believe that it is
more safe
Correct word choice
safer
show examples
 and reliable for
people
 to ensure their quality of
life
.
People
 should be aware of the importance of planning their
retirement
 years
while
 they are still young. Set aside a small portion of their salary for their
retirement
 and invest in pension funds to secure their
retirement
.
Additionally
, nursing institutions and hospitals cannot provide the most comfortable
life
 to
retirees
; most elderly
people
 prefer to spend their
lives
 with their families rather than go to old
people
's homes. In my
opinion
, relying solely on the
government
 or individuals themselves is insufficient to ensure
people
's
retirement
;
instead
,
people
 should combine both methods to ensure a better quality of
life
 in their later years. The
government
 can offer basic security,
such
 as an annuity for
retirees
.
However
, the annuity can only cover a portion of their lifetime expenses. If
people
 want to have a
better retired
Add a hyphen
better-retired
show examples
life
, they should arrange a
retirement
 budget for their
lives
. In conclusion, whether pensioners rely on the
government
 or take responsibility for themselves makes sense. In my
opinion
, using both
government
 and individual pension plans would be better for
people
 to arrange their
retired
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
lives
.
Submitted by duzirong on

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task achievement
Ensure that your paragraphs fully develop each point with sufficient examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on certain points to provide a more comprehensive discussion.
task achievement
Ensure that every argument is strongly supported with relevant examples and evidence.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion by presenting both perspectives clearly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and well-structured.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear progression of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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