IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Government investment in arts such as music and theaters is a waste of money. Government must invest that money in public services instead. Do you agree or disagree?

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Today, it is important that
governments
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 spend public
money
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 on items which have massive benefits for their societies, so a group of
people
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 believe that spending
money
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 on arts like movies and
music
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 is not good, yet
governments
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 should finance public
services
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. In my opinion,
countries
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 can evolve when spend
money
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 for both of them
due to
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 the fact that
people
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 need situations which have art and good public
services
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. On the one hand, it is crucial that authorities spend
money
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 on traditional
music
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 and theatres owing to the fact that they are an aspect of culture;
furthermore
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, when we can save our customs,
then
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 we are active communities;
additionally
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, we ought to save our culture on account these things cannot only observe tourist for
countries
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 but
also
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 develop the economy.
For example
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, I saw a film that was about 2 diverse restaurants . One of them had traditional
music
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 in there, but another one played pop
music
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. Amazingly, most
people
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 who were from other districts chose the first place because it showed their own culture.
On the other hand
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,
governments
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 have to have modern facilities which aid citizens to improve their lives.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 equipment needs a lot of
money
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, but the profits are too much in view of the fact that
people
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 who are living in these regions work more than past, do not need to spend a lot of time on bad transportation, and be able to access things that they need really fast. to illustrate
,
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apply
show examples
 when I live in the
countries
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 that have good public
services
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;
hence
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, I do not have waste time for travel to work and I am not tired because the public transportation is really fast and comfortable;
moreover
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, the factory that I work in it have new tools;
therefore
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, we need to spend a lot of time for fix it.
To sum up
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, both arts and public
services
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 are so essential for
countries
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 because merging them helps
countries
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 to develop;
although
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,
governments
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 have to have smart investments in these factors.

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task response
Your essay does a great job of addressing the prompt and presenting a balanced perspective. However, work on structuring your arguments more clearly. Use separate paragraphs for each point you make to improve readability.
task response
Ensure your introduction presents a clear thesis statement. This will help guide the reader through your arguments effectively.
task response
Your use of examples is effective, but make sure to elaborate on them more to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Try to use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This will improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea of that paragraph.
task response
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view which is great for task achievement.
task response
Your examples are relevant and well chosen, particularly the comparison between the two restaurants.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to frame your essay nicely.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural enrichment
  • National identity
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Economic stimulus
  • Heritage preservation
  • Infrastructure
  • Social welfare
  • Quality of life
  • Educational outreach
  • Public versus private funding
  • Civic engagement
  • Mental well-being
  • Arts advocacy
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