Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree?

The role of combat
sports
on mental and physical health has been a major topic of concern in today's society. From my perspective, martial arts are infeasible for both sides and there are compelling reasons why
such
sports
should be forbidden rather than organising
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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international competitions. On the one hand, there is no doubt that combat business
are
Change the verb form
is
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more popular among teenagers in comparison to other
sports
such
as swimming,
athletics
Correct word choice
and athletics
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. One explanation for
this
is that martial arts offer bodily activeness accompanied by vogue in their climate and protection from peer bullying.
In addition
, combat
sports
programmes have
a high ratings
Correct the article-noun agreement
high ratings
a high rating
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and they are represented as the main way to take the lead by numerous famous sponsors.
As a result
,
such
sports
involving violence become a more attractive path
of
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to
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career
Add an article
a career
the career
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which
provide
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provides
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health, popularity and high income at the same time.
On the other hand
, the damages of martial arts are much more than their benefits in terms of physical health.
For instance
, famous box player Muhammed Ali suffered from
Alzheimer
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Alzheimer's
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until his death and the leading reason for
this
disease was the blows he received in the ring.
Moreover
, young who have a physical advantage
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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tend usually to solve any problem with brute force,
therefore
their tolerance for different points of view and discussion decreases.
This
results in the increase of unethical behaviour in society and within the family. In conclusion,
i
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I
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admit that everyone should have bodily fitness for self-defending in unexpected situations, albeit
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
believe that
sports
involving violence impact detrimentally on both physical and moral aspects,
thus
, they should be banned as a professional
sports
branch.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task achievement
To enhance your task response, make sure to provide a more balanced discussion by considering potential counterarguments. A more thorough exploration of the viewpoints against banning violent sports could strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer transitions between paragraphs. Consider using more cohesive devices (e.g., 'Moreover', 'However', 'Furthermore') to better connect your ideas and improve flow.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure by elaborating on your key points with more detail and examples. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea that is well-explained and supported.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your perspective on the issue, which sets the stage for your argument.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant examples to support your points, such as the mention of Muhammad Ali. This adds depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your opinion, which gives a sense of closure to your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • combat sports
  • glorification of violence
  • impressionable audiences
  • cultural heritage
  • self-discipline
  • sportsmanship
  • media portrayal
  • regulatory measures
  • censorship
  • psychological impact
  • broadcasting regulations
  • watershed timing
  • advocates and opponents
  • ethical considerations
  • economic implications
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