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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that the best way to preserve cultural traditions is to limit the influence of foreign cultures, while others believe that cultural exchange is beneficial for all societies. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #traditions #limit #influence #cultures #exchange #societies
A magnitude of people believe that the best way to preserve culture is to limit the influence of foreign
cultures
,
whereas
 others believe in the
benefits
 that
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 with the
exchange
 of
cultures
. I am of the opinion that
exchange
 in culture brings a lot of
benefits
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a society. More details will be alluded to in the essay below. Traditional preservation comes with an accepted way of life in a society
hence
 the need to preserve it.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 in Southern African countries a girl child is to be defiled only by someone who has paid her bride price to her family and that brings pride and joy to
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both families. There are other
cultures
 of dressing which Southern Africa is well known for, long tightless dresses for ladies and trousers for males which
also
 gives a clear distinction between females and males.
However
 because of the influence of other
cultures
 like American
cultures
 now children are having sex before marriage and they wear trousers and expose their bodies which changes the narrative. On another angle, cultural
exchange
bought
Correct your spelling
brought
show examples
 so many
benefits
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 societies. African countries moved from wearing animal skin to wearing proper clothes to cover their bodies. Technology was
also
 brought by other
cultures
 to Africa because their form of communication
was drums
Change the verb form
was drummed
was drumming
show examples
amoungst
Correct your spelling
among
 others and that was quite inefficient. One could
also
 talk of medical equipment to help with certain diseases and proper diagnosis like the CT scan unlike only using symptoms to diagnose and herbs to treat there are more methods. These are all
benefits
 of cultural
exchange
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 cultural
exchange
 is very important in a society because it moves other barbaric cultural practices to more advanced practices. In conclusion, in as much as cultural preservation is beneficial, one has to look at the
benefits
 that
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 with cultural
exchange
.
Submitted by sisalt100 on

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task achievement
The introduction is clear, but it could be more engaging. Try adding a hook or a statement that catches the reader's attention.
coherence cohesion
The essay addresses both views and provides a personal opinion, which is good. However, to achieve a higher score, elaborate on each point in more detail and provide smoother transitions between paragraphs.
task achievement
Add more specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen your argument. This will also help in making your ideas clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph flows logically into the next. This can be achieved by better transitioning sentences and linking words.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which shows a good understanding of the structure required.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to support the main points, which strengthens the argument. Good job in illustrating your ideas with real-world scenarios.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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