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Band 4

Title :Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#title #food #drink #products #levels #sugars #health #people #sugar
With the dramatic
raise
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rise
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 of numbers in food and drink companies , access to products that contain high levels of sugar
became
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has become
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 easier and
as a
result
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result,
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 we witness more
health related
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health-related
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 issues . Some argue that in order to prevent the increase in the issue
mentionted
Correct your spelling
mentioned
, the
authorties
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authorities
 should take serious action about pricing these goods so the consumers are restricted and obligated to use less . In
this
essay
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essay,
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i
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I
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 will examine why applying sugar tax has a
poistive
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positive
 impact and can
defiantly
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definitely
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 improve public health .
Submitted by hindgadeem123 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a central premise regarding the sugar tax and its potential impact on public health. However, it needs further development and depth. Ensure you cover both sides of the argument in detail and provide more examples and evidence to support your claims.
task achievement
Work on grammatical accuracy. There are several minor errors, such as 'raise of numbers' instead of 'rise in numbers', and 'issue mentionted' instead of 'issue mentioned'. These errors can be minimized with careful proofreading.
coherence cohesion
Improve overall coherence by clearly structuring your essay into paragraphs with distinct points. Use transitional words and phrases to link ideas smoothly and create a logical flow.
coherence cohesion
A stronger conclusion is necessary. Summarize your main points concisely and reiterate your stance on the issue. This will provide a coherent end to your argument.
task achievement
The essay has a clear stance and presents a relevant topic for discussion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a good starting point for your argument, focusing clearly on the topic of sugar taxes and public health.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured food
  • drink products
  • high levels of sugars
  • health problems
  • sugary products
  • made more expensive
  • encourage consumption
  • public health
  • reformulate
  • lower-income families
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • sugar taxes
  • subsidize
  • healthier food options
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