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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar charts below show the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged12 to 19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014. Summariseinformation by selecting and reporting the main features, andamake comparisons where relevant.

The bar charts below show the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged12 to 19 years by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014. Summariseinformation by selecting and reporting the main features, andamake comparisons where relevant.
#bar #show #prevalence #obesity #boys #girls #years #ethnicity #states #summariseinformation #features #andamake #comparisons
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These bar charts
depicts
Change the verb form
depict
show examples
obesity
rate
 from 2004 to 2014 between both
sexses
Correct your spelling
sexes
senses
.
It is clear that
 all
ethnicity
Fix the agreement mistake
ethnicities
show examples
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffered
show examples
 from
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
rate
 of
obesity
 in 2014.
According to
 what is
Shown
Correct word choice
As shown
show examples
, both
non-Hispanic
 white and black and
hispanic
Change the capitalization
Hispanic
show examples
 have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 almost similar
obisity
Correct your spelling
obesity
rate
 .
Non-Hispanic
 white has
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
one
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 higher
rate
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Non-Hispanic
 black .
While
 Hispanic people
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
1
Correct article usage
a 1
show examples
percant
Correct your spelling
per cent
 lower
rate
 in
comapres
Correct your spelling
compares
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
Non-Hispanic
 black. After a decade ,
Non-Hispanic
Correct your spelling
non-Hispanic
show examples
obesity
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
show examples
 increased by 5% .
While
 the number of
Non-Hispanic
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
growth
Replace the word
grown
show examples
up with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 9% .
Furthermore
 ,
Hispanic
Fix the agreement mistake
Hispanics
show examples
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 the highest
rate
 in 2014
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 27%.
To sum up
, we could say that the
rate
 of
obesity
Add a missing verb
was
show examples
quite into each
etinicity
Correct your spelling
ethnicity
 in 2004. By 2014 , it
is
Verb problem
had
show examples
 become higher with
difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
show examples
 in each group.
Submitted by weed92xx on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, rate, non-hispanic with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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What to do next:
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