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Band 5

the continued rise in the world'S POPULATION IS tHE GREATEST PROBLEM FACED BY HUMANITY AT THE PRESENT TIME. WHAT ARE THE CAUSES OF THIS CONTINUED RISE? DO YOU AGREE THAT IT IS THE GREATEST PROBLEM FACED BY HUMANITY?

#rise #world #population #humanity #time
Nowadays, the major issue frustrated by society is our population on Earth which is continued growth.
while
 the main reason for
this
 situation is medical breakthroughs, it turned into the main dilemma of humanity’s ways. One of the causes of
this
 continued rice is the medical development that leads to lower mortality rates. Individuals’ illnesses can both be identified and treated.
For instance
,
while
 in the
last
 centuries there used to not be improved medicine that caused
a higher cases
Correct the article-noun agreement
higher cases
a higher case
show examples
 of death, it has progressed to
such
 a level that allows us to not only recognize but
also
 cure it.
Therefore
, changes in medicine provide significant differences in boredom and death.
On the contrary
, it is the main problem, since it causes irreparable damage not only to society but
also
 to the Earth’s resources. There would be more demand for food, healthcare and housing
as well as
 fossil fuel and water. And all that consumption contributes to ecological degradation, increased conflicts, and a higher risk of large-scale disasters like pandemics.
For instance
, when COVID-19 was first noticed in China (the second overpopulated country
around
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the world) the government
was not be
Change the verb form
was not
show examples
 able to cope with
such
 a huge amount of inhabitants which
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to the death of hundreds of people. In conclusion, I believe that today overpopulation is one of the hottest topics and lack of balance between mortality rates and
boring
Replace the word
boredom
show examples
 is the cause. If governments do not take action, all monopolies
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 have similar issues like India or China.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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grammar
Work on refining your grammar and sentence structure to ensure clarity and precision. For example, phrases like 'our population on Earth which is continued growth' can be rephrased for better comprehension.
content
More specific examples and statistics would strengthen your argument. For instance, including numerical data about population growth or healthcare advancements can make your points more compelling.
structure
Improve transitions between points to enhance the flow of the essay. Using linking words and phrases can help guide the reader more smoothly through your argument.
introduction
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance on it, which is crucial for setting up the context of the essay.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates your opinion, providing a coherent closure to the essay.
content
Your essay touches on significant aspects of the issue, such as medical advancements and resource depletion, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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