In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinion on this?

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I think
in
Change preposition
at
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children
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children's
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age, they are not ready to make a family with age condition and
menthality
Correct your spelling
mentality
. Because they don't know yet about how to survive to themselves. After married and
have
Wrong verb form
having
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a baby, make them another priority than themselves. They need to think about money, harmonization, health, education, food, and other things about their family.
Build
Wrong verb form
Building
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a family is not easy. Our
prioritize
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priorities
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will not be the same again as
like
Correct word choice
apply
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we
single
Add a missing verb
are single
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. We need to
seperate
Correct your spelling
separate
our time
to
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from
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each other. We need to think about "us", not about "me" again.
And not
Correct word choice
Not
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only that,
two
Correct word choice
but two
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family
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families
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will join each other to be a big family and it's not easy. Because it may happen when one of our family
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
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not
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does not
did not
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match
each
Correct determiner usage
the
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other. Different if we focus
of
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on
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ourselves first to make our dreams come true, we can study a lot of
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
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about the world, we can make a lot of friends and so on.
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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your arguments.
supported main points
Develop your main points with specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
logical structure
Organize your ideas logically to improve the flow of your essay.
task response
You addressed the main issue of children engaged in paid work effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
You presented your ideas clearly, even if they need more development.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labor
  • Exploitation
  • Minimum age
  • Work experience
  • Survival
  • Taking responsibility
  • Education
  • Poverty
  • Legal restrictions
  • Physical toll
  • Psychological impact
  • Cultural perceptions
  • International conventions
  • Economic impact
  • Work-study programs
  • Skilled labor
  • Unskilled labor
  • Developing economies
  • Moral implications
  • Professional development
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