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Band 7.5

Young people are often influenced by their peers. Do advantages of peer pressure outweigh disadvantages?

#people #peers #peer #pressure
Peer
pressure
 has impacts on the majority of young
people
.
Although
 these effects can be favourable in some cases, they lead to grave harm to youngsters in other cases. Despite the fact that
such
 effects can have a number of advantages, I am in favour of those thinking that its drawbacks to young
people
’s well-being are far more concerning. On the one hand,
peer
pressure
 can bring several benefits, one of them being one of which is a positive influence on young
people
’s behaviour.
In other words
, if their peers engage in some activities, like sports, studying or competitions,
peer
pressure
 can make young
people
 participate in these activities.
This
 is just because most young
people
 want to be like their peers. In
this
 way, youngsters can improve their behaviours
as well as
 their habits. the second advantage is a boost in social skills.
This
 suggests that adolescents subjected to
peer
pressure
 can benefit from learning about social dynamics, connection building, and how to communicate with others.
As a result
, adolescents may not face any problems related to social skills and communication in the future. I,
however
, believe these positives can not outweigh the negatives.
On the other hand
, I reckon that
peer
pressure
 may contribute to many disadvantages. First and foremost, it can be risky to young
people
’s mental health.
In other words
, there are a lot of young individuals who are engaged in unsafe games or illegal online sites, and if young individuals are influenced by these types of
people
, they may behave worse. A good example of
this
 can be gambling. If teenagers attend gambling games, as their peers do, and lose something valuable like money, they may face stress, anxiety, and a decrease in self-esteem.
Furthermore
, what is even more concerning is the widespread adoption of harmful habits among young
people
.
For instance
, if a youth's friends smoke, drink, or use inappropriate language, they may feel pressured to join in to fit in and gain approval.
This
 can negatively impact their health and behaviour, potentially harming their future job and social opportunities. All things considered, I agree with individuals who believe that the negative consequences on young
people
's well-being outweigh any potential benefits, even though
such
 effects can have a lot of advantages.
Submitted by minimix1203 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally clear, but there are moments when the flow of ideas can be more organized. Consider using more transition words to improve the flow and make the connection between sentences and paragraphs more seamless.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and provide a clear framework for your essay. However, try to make your conclusion more impactful by summarizing the key points briefly and reinforcing your opinion strongly.
task achievement
While your main points are supported and relevant, there is room to include more detailed and specific examples. This will help illustrate your arguments more convincingly and improve the overall clarity of your essay.
task achievement
Some of your ideas are clear and comprehensive, but certain sections could benefit from more elaboration. Make sure each idea is fully developed to provide a thorough response to the task.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and presents the topic and your stance effectively.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant and specific examples, which help in illustrating your points.
task achievement
You have successfully provided a mix of both pros and cons of peer pressure, which shows balanced argumentation.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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