IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

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My opinion about
violence
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 on
television
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 and in computer
games
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 is quite strong. I think it has a damaging effect on society, even more on young children. Nowadays,
television
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 and computer
games
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 have become more popular in comparison to 20 years ago because of technological development.
Therefore
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, program makers and game designers have a larger audience to show
violence
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 in these programs of
games
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. In general,
people
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 learn from what they hear and see. To have something or someone as a role model can result in a different behaviour because most
people
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 are influenceable. If they see a ‘cool’ and strong man being violent on
television
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 or in a game, they might start behaving like that.
Moreover
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,
games
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 in which murder and theft
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the goal
are
Wrong verb form
have become
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 more popular in the
last
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 10 years and criminality and
violence
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 increased as well.
However
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, the denial of
people
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 saying that it does not affect
people
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’s behaviour might come from the ones who play those
games
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 and watch
violence
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 on
television
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. My opinion is that showing
this
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 kind of content on
television
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 is
a
Correct article usage
the
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 wrong way of entertaining
people
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.
In addition
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, designing
games
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 where individuals have to behave violently to get more points or win a game could result in the same behaviour in real life. And
that is
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 something to avoid regarding keeping society safe. In conclusion, I think
violence
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 on
television
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 and in
games
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do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 have a dramatic effect on society.
People
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 should not have access to
such
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 horrible videos and
games
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.

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples and data to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific studies or statistical data that link violent games and shows to violent behavior.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of your ideas by expanding on your points a bit more. For example, explain in more depth how young people are influenced by violent role models or why violent games are particularly harmful.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be clearer. Try breaking up longer sentences or using simpler language to articulate your points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
You might improve the logical structure by outlining the counter-argument more fully before refuting it in order to show that you have considered multiple perspectives.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion and articulate it well throughout the essay. This shows strong task achievement and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, which helps in providing a logical structure to the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • emotional and psychological development
  • impair
  • empathy
  • contributing factor
  • distinction
  • fiction and reality
  • mature audiences
  • reflective
  • prevalence
  • societal issues
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