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Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, people now wear western clothes such as suits and jeans rather than traditional clothing. Why is this the case? Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #clothes #suits #jeans #case #development
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Over the
last
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 few decades has seen ideas about the Western style of
clothes
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, namely, the myriad of people now prioritise wearing up-to-date
clothes
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 rather than traditional clothing. First and foremost, the trigger associated with
this
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 trend is that most foreign companies' prior aim is to advertise fabricated modern
clothes
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 entire world.
In other words
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, when big invested companies advertise their products on social networks
such
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 as Instagram, telegram channels, or their own websites or when well-known people wear them as models,
thereafter
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 most citizen institutes purchase them from official websites or stories. A prime example of that
,
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apply
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 is probably each year in Real Madrid's official stories virtually 60% of
population
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the population
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 all over the world buy Ronaldo's t-shirt rather than their national team's
clothes
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.
As a result
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, most people forget their own traditions, and culture and might lose patriotism.
According to
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 me, it is an entirely negative development for all nations. The first incentive for
this
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 is that if most civilians ongoing prioritise purchasing and living with Western styles of clothing and culture, it can be a token of vassal of those countries and
also
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 that countries will supervise them as points of financial sites. The second reason for
this
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 is that the culture of some nations can be lost
due to
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 the modernization of
clothes
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.
Last
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 but not least, it can be to forget historical rituals, namely, respondents do not prefer to do some of the rituals and offsprings of that country will grow up without image. In conclusion,
while
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 the myriad of obvious causes may be the breeding ground of the observed matter, its consequence is far more positive.
Submitted by abdulaziz on

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task achievement
Your essay introduces the topic adequately, but the thesis statement at the beginning is somewhat unclear and could be more direct. Try to make it clearer why people are prioritizing Western clothing.
task achievement
The reasons for the trend and your stance are presented, but your argumentation can be developed more comprehensively. For example, the point about losing patriotism and culture can be elaborated further with more specific examples.
task achievement
Ensure all examples directly support the points you are making. The example of buying Ronaldo's t-shirt is interesting but could be tied more clearly to the argument about losing traditional clothing choices.
coherence cohesion
You have presented your arguments, but try to make the connections between your ideas clearer and more logical. Use more linking words and phrases to demonstrate these relationships.
coherence cohesion
While you have included an introduction and conclusion, the conclusion seems contradictory as it states the outcome is positive, despite the preceding content arguing it is negative. Ensure consistency between your argument and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are valid, but some are repeated, like the loss of culture and tradition. Try to diversify your supporting points and ensure each one is unique and contributes to your overall argument.
task achievement
You have tackled both aspects of the essay prompt: explaining the reasons for the trend and discussing whether it's positive or negative.
task achievement
Your essay shows a fair attempt to introduce examples and arguments to support your points.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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