IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The increase in mobile phone use in recent years has led to problems in both social and medical aspects. What are the problems caused by the use of mobile phones and what soliutions can you suggest ?

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The variety of mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 usage has been extending dramatically year by year in
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 era, having
impact
Add an article
an impact
show examples
 on many ways in people's
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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.
However
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,
rely
Wrong verb form
relying
show examples
 on using mobile
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 has caused crucial
society
Replace the word
societal
show examples
 and medical problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss these issues and possible solutions to reduce their effects. One of the
difficulty
Fix the agreement mistake
difficulties
show examples
 is health concerns over
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 usage. Most research
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 reported screen
brightning
Correct your spelling
brightening
brightness
 has been effected harmful
in
Change preposition
to
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 our eyesight and brain functions.
For example
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, if we
use
Use synonyms
 more than thirty minutes of mobile phones, it will affect reducible eyesight
while
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risk
Change preposition
at risk
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 of insomnia
due to
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 the lack of rest of the brain. Another
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
trouble is society because
of
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apply
show examples
you can't
communication
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communicate
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 with outside.
This
Linking Words
 means that
,
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apply
show examples
 many
individual
Change to a plural noun
individuals
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 are using mobile
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
everytime
Replace the word
every time
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, which is having lunch, dinner, dating
also
Linking Words
 leisure time. Certainly,it can
also
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 be
hollow
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a hollow
the hollow
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 relationship with other people,
such
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 as family
member
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members
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 and
freinds
Correct your spelling
friends
. A potential solution
that is
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 step by step as slowly as possible, because the human body and brain can not immediately accept a change in habits. So,
first
Add a comma
first,
show examples
 we should access our mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 which is thirty minutes using your mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 , after
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
it
has
Verb problem
is
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 already on time,
cell
Add an article
the cell
a cell
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 would be locked
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
automatically.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, you can decrease your minutes day by day.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
this
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 solution is very simple and useful.
To sum up
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, the
use
Use synonyms
 of
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 in modern days is a process of learning to practice proper
use
Use synonyms
 to solve major health and social problems caused by excessive
use
Use synonyms
 and misuse by inappropriate users. I believe that people can apply
this
Linking Words
 solution in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and spend more time on health and social life.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both the problems and solutions related to mobile phone usage, which demonstrates a complete response to the task. However, try to be more specific with your examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Some of your ideas are clear and insightful but could be improved with more comprehensive vocabulary and sentence structure. For example, instead of 'it will affect reducible eyesight', you could say 'it can lead to diminished eyesight'.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. For instance, you could use phrases like 'In addition to health concerns, another issue is...' to make your essay flow better.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer paragraphing and structure. Each paragraph should ideally cover one main idea, supported by examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your essay well.
task achievement
You successfully identified two main problems caused by mobile phone usage and offered a practical solution.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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