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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #support #artists #people #waste #money
Artists
 take a
lot
 of
money
 and opportunity from the government,
while
people
 think that with
this
money
 they can do useful things to develop cities.
However
, I believe that the
situation
 of a
country
 and
people
 is more important than
artists
. On the one hand,
artists
 make the
country
 popular. They do a
lot
 of concerts, and
people
 enjoy it. They do songs or arts that have the possibility to strengthen traditions or the official
language
 of the
country
. To make a song or art, they should have
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
.
For example
,
popular
Correct article usage
the popular
show examples
 singer of Kazakhstan Dimash Qudaibergen made his
country
 and the official
language
 of his
country
 much more popular than expected. Because of his voice, a
lot
 of
people
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 other countries tried to learn
Kazakh
Change the article
the Kazakh
show examples
language
 to sing like Dimash Qudaibergen. But it is
obviously
Change the word
obvious
show examples
 that he took a
lot
 of support from the government before and
after
this
 historical event.
However
,
this
 is rarely
situation
Correct article usage
a situation
show examples
 which was in Kazakhstan.
On the other hand
, the economic
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
situation
 of Kazakhstan was the lowest. The salary of Kazakhs became less than
last
 year. Because of that, the government spent a
lot
 of
money
 on
artists
; they increased the price of food.
While
Chinese
Correct article usage
the Chinese
show examples
 tried to learn
Kazakh
Change the article
the Kazakh
show examples
language
, the Kazakhs suffered from salary and
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 of food. Even Kazakhs went on strike. Their goal was to decrease the price of food and increase their salary. In conclusion,
although
send
Wrong verb form
sending
show examples
 a
lot
 of
money
 and
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to
artists
,
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
money
 and
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 a
lot
 of
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to the
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 is much better. Because the
situation
 of
people
 and
country
 must be number one.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
To strengthen the argument, ensure that you clearly explain the connection between government support for artists and its impact on other sectors, such as the economy. This will help in providing a balanced view on both sides of the debate.
task achievement
Try to further develop your main points with more detailed explanations and examples. For example, provide a bit more context on the economic conditions mentioned and how supporting artists directly impacts citizens.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by organizing paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, supported by evidence or examples.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional words and phrases more frequently to help guide the reader through your arguments and make your essay easier to follow. Phrases like 'moreover,' 'in addition,' and 'on the contrary' can be very helpful.
task achievement
You have addressed both views and provided your opinion, which is essential for this essay type.
task achievement
Using an example such as Dimash Qudaibergen to illustrate your point adds a strong and relevant specific example.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your arguments well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • promote
  • culture
  • creativity
  • economic growth
  • tourism
  • social development
  • personal development
  • merit
  • financial support
  • balanced
  • transparent
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