Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Artists
take a lot
of money
and opportunity from the government, while
people
think that with this
money
they can do useful things to develop cities. However
, I believe that the situation
of a country
and people
is more important than artists
. On the one hand, artists
make the country
popular. They do a lot
of concerts, and people
enjoy it. They do songs or arts that have the possibility to strengthen traditions or the official language
of the country
. To make a song or art, they should have much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
money
. For example
, popular
singer of Kazakhstan Dimash Qudaibergen made his Correct article usage
the popular
country
and the official language
of his country
much more popular than expected. Because of his voice, a lot
of people
of
other countries tried to learn Change preposition
from
Kazakh
Change the article
the Kazakh
language
to sing like Dimash Qudaibergen. But it is obviously
that he took a Change the word
obvious
lot
of support from the government before and after
this
historical event. However
, this
is rarely situation
which was in Kazakhstan. Correct article usage
a situation
On the other hand
, the economic and
Correct word choice
apply
situation
of Kazakhstan was the lowest. The salary of Kazakhs became less than last
year. Because of that, the government spent a lot
of money
on artists
; they increased the price of food. While
Chinese
tried to learn Correct article usage
the Chinese
Kazakh
Change the article
the Kazakh
language
, the Kazakhs suffered from salary and price
of food. Even Kazakhs went on strike. Their goal was to decrease the price of food and increase their salary. In conclusion, Correct article usage
the price
although
send
a Wrong verb form
sending
lot
of money
and give
Wrong verb form
giving
opportunity
to Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
artists
, spend
Wrong verb form
spending
money
and give
a Wrong verb form
giving
lot
of opportunity
to the Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
citizen
is much better. Because the Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
situation
of people
and country
must be number one.Submitted by dnm.best on
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task achievement
To strengthen the argument, ensure that you clearly explain the connection between government support for artists and its impact on other sectors, such as the economy. This will help in providing a balanced view on both sides of the debate.
task achievement
Try to further develop your main points with more detailed explanations and examples. For example, provide a bit more context on the economic conditions mentioned and how supporting artists directly impacts citizens.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by organizing paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, supported by evidence or examples.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional words and phrases more frequently to help guide the reader through your arguments and make your essay easier to follow. Phrases like 'moreover,' 'in addition,' and 'on the contrary' can be very helpful.
task achievement
You have addressed both views and provided your opinion, which is essential for this essay type.
task achievement
Using an example such as Dimash Qudaibergen to illustrate your point adds a strong and relevant specific example.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your arguments well.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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