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Writing Samples
Band 4

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer. Do you think advantages of this development outweight its disadvantages

#consequences #care #people #development #outweight
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Nowadays, because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical development humanity can live longer than it used to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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.
Although
,
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apply
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 it could allow us to
copy
Correct your spelling
cope
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 with serious diseases, it could lead to
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
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 mortality rates that lead to overpopulation. Improved healthcare has several benefits. It provides us
by
Change preposition
with
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 qualified
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 that can treat serious illnesses
such
is
Correct your spelling
as
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 cancer
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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seems
Wrong verb form
seemed
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 impossible decades ago.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 there are vaccines that allow us to protect individuals before getting sick.
For instance
, there are
variety
Add an article
a variety
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 of vaccines
as well as
 pills in hospitals that can
avoid
Verb problem
protect
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 patients from any recognized viruses.
Thus
, highly qualified medical care
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
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 individuals safe from infections .
On the other hand
, there are disadvantages
of
Change preposition
to
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this
 development. Individuals who are both protected from illness and have longer
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 might
affect
Wrong verb form
be affected
show examples
Change preposition
by on
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on
Correct your spelling
an
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 imbalance between death and boredom. To be more precise it may cause overpopulation on the Earth.
For instance
, when there are overcrowded countries it would
has
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have
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impact
Add an article
the impact
an impact
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of
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on
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 the countries’ resources.
As a
consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
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 they would not be able to supply
such
 a huge amount of people by healthcare .
Therefore
,
cons
Correct article usage
the cons
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 of the development
is
Change the verb form
are
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 overpopulated monopolies. In conclusion, by taking both sides into account I believe that
pros
Correct article usage
the pros
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 outweigh
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 since it
allow
Change the verb form
allows
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 inhabitants to be healthy. If we had
such
 improved healthcare in previous centuries, we could avoid
such
a significant cases
Correct the article-noun agreement
significant cases
a significant case
show examples
 of death because of illnesses and lack of infrastructure.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
In your introduction, clearly state your opinion on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages to provide a clear thesis statement. This will enhance clarity and task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Work on using more variety in your sentence structures and linking words to improve the logical structure and flow of your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide more in-depth and relevant examples to support your main points. This can demonstrate a stronger understanding of the topic and improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and each sentence contributes to that idea to improve overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of improved medical care, showing a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence cohesion
You made an effort to use varied vocabulary and expressions, which is good for language flexibility.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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