IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It is now possible for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environment, such as the South pole. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#scientists #tourists #travel #environment #pole #development
Exploring far-flung natural places can bring more benefits to visitors despite one conquerable downside. By travelling to an island
that is
 unknown to the vast majority of people,
for instance
, travellers may have a chance to participate in exotic religious practices and experience a whole new way of life.
Although
such
 a trip could be potentially dangerous with climatic differences or animal attacks, these risks can become less serious with the aid of modern technology
such
 as drones or heat sensors. It is
therefore
 believed that visitors should take a trip to novel destinations for once in their lives. Scientists can
also
 benefit considerably from visiting untouched parts of the world with minimum harm to the environment.
While
 a few people may scheme to poach animals for profit or destroy their habitats, their malicious intent can be eliminated with pertinent regulations from the authorities.
Submitted by banhbao0565 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay responds to the prompt effectively, but the introduction could better frame the overall argument, and a conclusion is needed to succinctly summarize your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly and that ideas within paragraphs are linked clearly. Consider using connectors like 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' or 'In conclusion.'
language precision
There are some grammatical inconsistencies and awkward phrasing. For example, 'for once in their lives' can be more naturally phrased as 'at least once in their lives.'
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, such as mentioning drones and heat sensors, which support the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is apparent with a clear distinction between the benefits for tourists and scientists, making the essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: