IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #diet #school #parents #ones
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Some individuals believe that it is best to motivate
children
 to have healthy
foodfood
Correct your spelling
food
 at school.
Whereas
, others believe that it is
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 responsibility to teach newcomers to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proper diet
plans
Correct the article-noun agreement
plan
show examples
.
This
 essay will discuss and articulate both the aspects of the given notions and relevant examples
along with
 my opinion and logical conclusion.
To begin
 with, some people argue that it is fundamental to provide healthy
food
 at school. Nowadays most huge companies are supplying
food
 to many different
schools
 that are not healthy, and school management should follow the rules of the Ministry of Health department.
For example
, many private
schools
 do not pay attention to what
children
 are eating and if it is beneficial for them, they only think of the massive income of the
schools
.
In addition
, the government should put an eye on and
do checking
Wrong verb form
check
show examples
 frequently on the colleges ,
schools
 and universities.
On the other hand
, the majority of people believe that it is the family's responsibility to show the
children
 a healthy way. It is difficult to make the new generation believe in healthy
food
.
For instance
, there are thousands of
children
 who love to eat fast
food
, especially in current days.
In other words
, parents should give healthy
food
 and motivate
children
 to do extracurricular activities like
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 running, or walking every day
at
Change preposition
for at
show examples
 least 20 minutes, and that helps them to be slack. Many
children
 are reluctant to work.
Submitted by ismailalmarri0 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences within the paragraph relate to that main idea. Transition words and phrases can help make connections between ideas more explicit.
task achievement
Avoid repetition of the same ideas and try to elaborate more on each point with additional examples or explanations. This will provide a more comprehensive response to the task.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of your arguments by avoiding ambiguity. Make sure your sentences are clear and easy to understand. Consider using diverse sentence structures to enhance readability.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views, as required by the prompt, and attempts to provide relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in presenting your ideas logically.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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