IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Nowadays people can use computers to talk, learn and communicate without leaving home. There is a danger that it will cause more isolation and a lack of communication among people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #computers #home #danger #isolation #lack #communication
In recent years
people
 have been relying on technology for
communication
 and education through social media and online classes.
This
 development has the risk of causing
people
 to be lonely and helpless.
This
 essay agrees with
this
 view because
communication
 through computers
lack
Correct subject-verb agreement
lacks
show examples
 the benefits of physical interaction and
also
people
 fake lifestyles and personalities on social media.
Communications
Fix the agreement mistake
Communication
show examples
 via
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 is a scam,
people
potray
Correct your spelling
portray
 fake
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 and
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
 when they communicate through social media. They pretend to be well-up and act as if they are living luxuriously.
For instance
, every time when I video call my high school friend, he is always dressed up in expensive clothes and
looking
Wrong verb form
looks
show examples
 like he is rich. When
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 asked to visit him he would always turn down my request,
however
, one day I decided to surprise him, only to find out that he was living in a plastic house and struggling to put food on his table. All the expensive clothes were fake and some were borrowed. Moreso,
communication
 by computer deprives us
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 benefits of physical interaction
such
 as
hand shakes
Correct your spelling
handshakes
show examples
, kisses and hugs. When you talk to someone over the phone it is difficult to comfort him or to make him feel loved, the best you could do is blowing kisses and making signs.
This
 is
defferent
Correct your spelling
different
 when one
choses
Correct your spelling
chooses
 to
come
Add the particle
come to
show examples
 see you in person,
firstly
 the effort of travelling to visit means a lot,
then
 the kisses and hugs that you will receive make you feel even much better. Unlike
communication
 over the phone where you instantly feel lonely as soon as you drop the call.
Overall
, I strongly agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the view that online
communication
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 isolation and lack of
communication
 because there is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical interaction and
people
 abuse it to
potray
Correct your spelling
portray
 fake personalities
therefore
 widening the gap between individuals.
Submitted by sisalt100 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, but it could be slightly refined for improved clarity. Avoid redundancy by merging similar points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure accurate spelling and grammar usage throughout the essay. Pay particular attention to words like 'defferent' (different) and 'potray' (portray).
coherence cohesion
While your essay has clear ideas and examples, some sentences could be more concise. Condensing your thoughts will make them clearer and more impactful.
task achievement
Your essay thoroughly addresses the task and provides relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your main argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical flow to your essay, with each paragraph clearly supporting your main idea, making it easy to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
You effectively highlighted two main reasons for your viewpoint: the lack of benefits from physical interaction and the prevalence of fake lifestyles on social media.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: