IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? and is it positive or negative development?

#countries #people #hours #work #happen #development
In the current era of industrialization, there are many
people
 who live in some countries that take long hours to
work
, which gradually become a trend
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 the citizens of some countries for a range of reasons.
Furthermore
, I would argue that the drawbacks of it outweigh the benefits. There are three key reasons why
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
workers spend long hours at
work
.
Firstly
, the
work
 environment fosters inspiration of
work
 for labourers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and addresses different problems directly. In fact, when
people
work
 at a place where there are a lot of
people
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they have made an effort to complete their tasks, which forces workers to do.
Secondly
, many
employees
 have to deal with a heavy workload and complete a lot of plans.
Finally
, the more and more talented labour force
appear
Change the verb form
appears
show examples
,
accordingly
 they must
work
 the whole day at the company in order to search for the opportunity of promotion and compete with new
employees
.
However
, I believe that
this
 issue has a negative impact on development. As a matter of
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
employees
 are engaged in a corporation for long hours,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 have trouble
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
balancing
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work
 and relationships around them. That places
people
 under pressure in an uncomfortable
work
 environment. The fixed and rigid working schedule makes them have no time for themselves, and having to strictly follow orders can lose creativity.
Moreover
, without taking a
day-off
Correct your spelling
day off
show examples
,
employees
 would be exhausted,
due to
 mental health conditions
such
 as depression, ergophobia and so on. From the business perspective, the productivity of products has decreased, and no new products have been created to keep up with market demand, making enterprises on the verge of bankruptcy. In conclusion,
although
 it might seem sensible for individuals who can balance their
work
 reasonably, I consider it to be an adverse development
overall
.
Submitted by document.hanie on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Although your essay addresses the prompt well, providing reasons why people spend long hours at work and arguing for the negative development, consider adding more specific examples. This helps to solidify your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on polishing your transition phrases and ensuring that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next to elevate the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You've clearly addressed the task prompt thoroughly, touching on both aspects of the question.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your discussion.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is solid, with each paragraph addressing a specific point related to your main argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalent
  • economic pressures
  • financial stability
  • competitive job markets
  • corporate cultures
  • stigma
  • demonstrate dedication
  • advent of technology
  • blurred the lines
  • accelerated career progression
  • dedicated employee
  • significant negative implications
  • stress levels
  • mental health
  • physical health
  • social and family time
  • productivity
  • burnout
  • flexible working hours
  • work-life balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: