IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides of this debate, and give your personal view

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Since some people argue that
animals
Use synonyms
 should be kept in
captivity
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such
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 as zoos to protect both
animals
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 and humans from any dangers, others think that it is generally incorrect to keep
animals
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 in
captivity
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explore the pros and cons of keeping creatures in prison and try to draw some conclusions.
Firstly
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, I will start by looking at the advantages of how it is beneficial for humans and
animals
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 to keep creatures restrained. One of the major plus points is that in
captivity
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 the amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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protection of the endangered species from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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extinction is
icreased
Correct your spelling
increased
. To explain, the government put laws and roles for those species to protect them
such
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 as from overgrazing
as well as
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 serve the health meals, safety and other medical facilities they needed.
For instance
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,
due to
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 the consumption of plastic waste and
throw
Wrong verb form
throwing
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 it
in
Change preposition
into
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 the sea, many
fishs
Correct your spelling
fishes
fish
 and other
animals
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lost
Wrong verb form
lose
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 their life since they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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eat the plastics.
Although
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 the government now put a rule on the use of plastic yet still if they were preserved earlier they can protect more species.
Secondly
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, putting the
animals
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 in small places might result in worse sometimes. Since
animals
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 need large spaces to roam and hunt.
In contrast
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, the small area makes them feel alone, and moody which indirectly affects their health and mental conditions.
As well as
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 it may affect the food chain as well.
For example
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, grass produces its own feed from sunlight and
rabbit
Fix the agreement mistake
rabbits
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eats
Correct subject-verb agreement
eat
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grass,
Furthermore
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, Human beings are the
predator
Fix the agreement mistake
predators
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 of all producers and consumers.
To sum up
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, by observing both positive and negative aspects of keeping
animals
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 in
captivity
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. Despite sometimes
they feel
Wrong verb form
feeling
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 alone and separated from their family, we can not ignore the fact
this
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 preservation will keep them safe and give them medical facilities. The government can
arranged
Wrong verb form
arrange
show examples
 inside the
zoos
Change noun form
zoo's
zoos'
show examples
 large areas to take over the problem.

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Task Achievement
Your essay does address both sides of the debate and provides a conclusion, but the ideas are not fully expanded. Try to give more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and flows reasonably well, but some sentences can be clearer. You sometimes mix ideas in one paragraph. Try to stick to one main idea per paragraph and provide clear topic sentences.
Introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the debate and states your intention to explore both sides.
Conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points of your essay and offers a solution to the problem discussed.
Balanced View
The essay shows a good attempt to balance both pros and cons of animal captivity which demonstrates a fair approach to the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • captivity
  • zoos
  • animal rights
  • conservation
  • rehabilitation
  • sanctuary
  • ethical considerations
  • natural habitat
  • psychological well-being
  • endangered species
  • educational programs
  • animal welfare
  • exploitation
  • human superiority
  • wildlife preservation
  • abnormal behaviors
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