IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans.

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Some people argue that
animals
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 should be kept in
captivity
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such
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 as in zoos to protect both
animals
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 and humans from any dangers,
while
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 others think that it is generally incorrect to keep
animals
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 in
captivity
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explore the pros and cons of keeping creatures in prison and try to draw some conclusions.
Firstly
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, I will start by looking at the advantages of how it is beneficial for humans and
animals
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 to keep creatures restrained. One of the major plus points is that in
captivity
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 the amount of protection of the endangered species from extinction is increased. To explain, the government put laws and roles for those species to protect them
such
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 as from overgrazing
as well as
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 serve the health meals, safety and other medical facilities they needed.
For instance
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,
due to
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 the consumption of plastic waste and throwing it into the sea, many fish and other
animals
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 lose their life since they eat the plastics.
Although
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 the government now put a rule on the use of plastic yet still if they were preserved earlier they can protect more species.
Secondly
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, putting the
animals
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 in small places might result in worse sometimes. Since
animals
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 need large spaces to roam and hunt.
In contrast
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, the small area makes them feel alone, and moody which indirectly affects their health and mental conditions.
As well as
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 it may affect the food chain as well.
For example
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, grass produces its own feed from sunlight and rabbits eat grass,
Furthermore
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, Human beings are the predators of all producers and consumers.
To sum up
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, by observing both positive and negative aspects of keeping
animals
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 in
captivity
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. Despite sometimes feeling alone and separated from their family, we can not ignore the fact
this
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 preservation will keep them safe and give them medical facilities. The government can arrange inside the zoo's large areas to take over the problem.

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay does address both sides of the argument, but there's room for improvement in how the ideas are connected for better coherence. For example, more appropriate transitions between ideas and paragraphs would improve the reader’s ability to follow the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, but the body's content lacks a logical flow. Make sure each paragraph clearly presents an idea or a point and supports it with evidence or examples.
Task Achievement
While the essay covers the main points, some arguments need further elaboration. For example, providing specific examples or evidence to support the main points will make the arguments stronger and more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are clear, but they could be expressed in a more sophisticated way to aim for a higher score. Try using a variety of complex sentences and vocabulary to improve the overall quality of your writing.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer’s intention to explore both sides of the argument.
Task Achievement
The writer shows an understanding of the importance of the topic and provides relevant examples to support the points made, such as the impact of plastic waste on marine life.
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