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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Parents, usualy mothers, give up work, choose to stay at home and look after family. Some people think that the government should give them salary. Do you agree or disagree. Give reasons from your own knowledge and experience.

#parents #mothers #work #home #people #government #salary
In the era of globalisation, the rate of male employees skyrocketed,
while
 the number of females plunged. There is a wide range of reasons for
this
 phenomenon.
Nevertheless
, mothers opted for the family among the work and money.
Therefore
, a diverse range of individuals believe that the
government
 should pay for their sacrifice. I totally agree with
this
 argument. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on my view. To commence with, the commitments increased recently. The parents are struggling,
as a result
 of the inflation,
thus
 one salary is not enough to build a house or raise a child.
For instance
, Egypt is one of the highest countries illustrating inflation. All family members are working to improve their level.
In addition
, most of the
women
 nowadays are educated. They
also
 have obtained their certification.
However
, they are convinced that their home and children are more essential than anything else.
On the other hand
, they are raising their kids. They want to raise their kids and make them well-developed.
Moreover
, the
government
 should respect them. They educated hard.
Nonetheless
, they believe that family comes first. Moving
further
, the
government
 should subsidise their financial products. It can offer them home-working jobs. The
government
also
 can raise taxes for affluent individuals. One of the sparked examples is Dubai. the
women
 there were not working, so the Prince of Dubai implemented a rule to increase the taxation on wealthy persons and cut a part of it for these
women
. In conclusion, the
government
 must be aware of married
women
. They sacrificed for the family and society. They know that if the good earned a good pedagogical they will enhance the community in the future.
Submitted by mohannadsme on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas flow logically from one to the next. Use appropriate linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Enhance task achievement by providing more relevant and specific examples, and ensure all points support your main argument. Expand on points with more comprehensive explanations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps provide a structured format for the reader.
task achievement
The task response is relatively complete, touching upon the main aspects of the argument regarding government support for stay-at-home mothers.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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