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Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
In recent years, the number of elder generations
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increased significantly.
While
 some individuals believe their presence might cause numerous difficulties for governments, others and I believe elder generations are
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
beneficial for governments and families. On the one hand, the advocates, including me, suggest that elder people have a wealth of knowledge and precious experiences.
Furthermore
, they are the best mentors for
children
. It is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
noteworthy that
children
 have their support and assistance in dealing with problems
which
Correct pronoun usage
that they
show examples
 face in
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
show examples
 and professional lives.
In addition
, with these expert or knowledgeable people, governments can save money,
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
though they shouldn’t allocate excessive budgets to training the young;
therefore
, those budgets can be spent on other prominent projects. Families are
also
 assisted by their grandparents to reduce
costs
Correct article usage
the costs
show examples
 of life.
For example
,
children
 spend their time with grandparents;
thus
, parents do not have to pay for
children
’s kindergartens.
On the other hand
, with
ageing
Add an article
the ageing
an ageing
show examples
population
Add a comma
population,
show examples
 they are more likely prone to a variety of diseases,
such
 as heart disease, diabetes, dementia and
Alzheimer
Change noun form
Alzheimer's
show examples
. In
optimistic
Correct article usage
an optimistic
show examples
 view,
this
 issue can create more job opportunities for youngsters.
However
, it can put an excessive burden on governments’ shoulders.
Additionally
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
elders are patient and have
deep
Add an article
a deep
show examples
 understanding of life. They reach
this
 valuable trait
along
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 their lives.
In
Change preposition
As
show examples
 a result, they can direct the societies towards having peace and calm temper in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 run. These days, people spend most of their time at
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
 or commuting in cars or other transportation vehicles, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
children
 should be alone and
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
away from
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
. In
this
 situation, grandparents are
also
 the best friends for grandchildren to upbringing them. In a nutshell,
although
 old individuals impose several detrimental consequences, I wholeheartedly believe the presence of these kind creatures in our lives is
paramount
Change preposition
of paramount
show examples
 importance which I have elaborated on in
this
 essay.
Submitted by saharaqajani on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and presents a clear position, but the arguments would benefit from a more balanced development. Both the advantages and disadvantages should be elaborated with equal weight to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally good, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, some sentences are a bit awkwardly phrased, and ideas sometimes lack smooth transitions. Work on improving the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support the main points. For instance, when mentioning diseases that elderly people are prone to, try to provide statistics or case studies to make your point more credible.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the essay's position and sets the stage for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the essay's position.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good attempt to balance different perspectives on the issue of an ageing population.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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