IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, there have been schemes to encourage older professional people to retrain as school teachers. Do you feel that this is likely to have beneficial effects on education? Support your point of view with reasons and/or examples from your own experience.

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Nowadays, there is a debate on curriculums and who is going to teach it. A diverse range of countries is fostering elderly experts to educate youths in education centres
as a result
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 of, the shortage of
teachers
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 in these countries. I have a balanced opinion on
this
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 statement.In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on my view. On the one hand, young
teachers
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 are from a nearby generation. They can transfer the data in an effortless way. They have the same modern language
instead
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 of the old-fashioned language from older
teachers
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.
Moreover
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, the middle age
teachers
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 are vibrant and active. They will not be exhausted over time. They are energetic and can learn new technology swiftly.
Thus
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, they can utilize it during semesters. One of the sparked examples is Qatar. The country started to import young
teachers
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 from neighbouring countries. They believe that
this
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 method can enhance the education system.
On the other hand
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, old-age
teachers
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 are more experts. They have taught for a long period. They would love to deliver
this
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 experience to their descendants.
In addition
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, they can handle the students , especially the less-behaved students. They are more aware of
this
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 type of student.
For instance
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, In Egypt, they are hiring overqualified
teachers
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 in schools in the rural area. The pupils in these regions are misbehaved and need to be controlled. In conclusion, there will be a debate on
this
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 argument.
However
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, It will depend on the area that the
teachers
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 will work in. The type of
teachers
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 and the years of the working. These all play a crucial role in opting for
teachers
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but the ideas sometimes feel disconnected. Try to ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Using more cohesive devices such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could help enhance the flow.
Task Achievement
The introduction presents the topic and your stance, but it could be clearer. Try to clearly state your position regarding whether the scheme to retrain older professional people as school teachers is beneficial or not. This will help the reader understand your argument right from the beginning.
Task Achievement
You have provided relevant examples which support your points well. However, ensure that every argument is thoroughly explained and connected to your main point. Some ideas, such as the experience of old-age teachers, are not fully elaborated.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in providing a complete and balanced analysis of the topic.
Task Achievement
The examples given, such as the situation in Qatar and Egypt, add specificity and relevance to your arguments. This helps to make your essay more convincing.
Task Achievement
You have clearly attempted to discuss both sides of the argument, presenting a balanced view. This is an important aspect of a well-rounded essay.
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