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Band 5

In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#countries #schools #student #behaviour
In the present day,
people
 around the world majorly share the same
preference
Fix the agreement mistake
preferences
show examples
 in various aspects,
such
 as fashions, brands, eating and buying habits,
also
 TV channels.
This
newly
Change the word
new
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 habit has already made
lessen
Wrong verb form
lessened
show examples
 differences between countries each year.
Therefore
, I believe that
this phenomena
Change the determiner
this phenomenon
these phenomena
show examples
 will
gained
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gain
show examples
 more disadvantages rather than
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
advantages, which will be discussed in the following essay.
To begin
 with, the similarity of preferences among
people
 from different countries has provided many benefits that have improved kinds of industries.
For example
, an industry can earn high revenues by selling items that are trending in the market,
such
 as new models in the fashion field or food and drinks that
goes
Change the verb form
go
show examples
 viral on the internet.
However
,
this
 consumerism habit can produce
a
Correct article usage
apply
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wasteful
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 where
people
 become less selective
to choose
Change preposition
in choosing
show examples
 things that are actually important.
In addition
, the drive to buy things will increase. Another advantage that comes from having a similar share of
like
Fix the agreement mistake
likes
show examples
 is that it can boost many useful yet important advertisements and campaigns to educate humankind. Recently, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 lots of well-projected
donation
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donations
show examples
 and
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 on TV channels that can help humankind in a massive way.
Although
 it is useful, some
people
 with less knowledge will be easily fooled by a convincing fake advertisement, which will harm them in the future.
This
 will
also
 provide more opportunities for boomer brands to commit more fraud in the upcoming years.
To conclude
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
while
 there are many good merits of the same preference from
people
 around the world every year, a good perspective in analyzing primary needs is needed to maintain good habits as a consumer in many areas.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the topic about student behavior in schools, as the current essay is off-topic.
task achievement
Provide more relevant examples and solutions that directly relate to the issue of student behavior problems in schools.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
Ideas are generally well-organized, with logical progression across paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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