Some people think that developing a successful career is more important than spending time with family and friends, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Few individuals are under
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
show examples
that academic and professional growth
in
Correct your spelling
is
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needed over passing
time
with family and companions.
however
, few
people
are against
such
beliefs.
this
essay will discuss on importance of career development and its benefits and on how
people
get artificial if they don’t spend reasonable
time
with
people
around them. On the one hand, individuals believe that investing
time
and affords
on
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in
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career growth will give great success and fame in society. If individuals have good performance in their field. they shall soon achieve good managerial
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
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in their organization which
results
Add the preposition
results in
results from
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good salary rise. by which,
this
individual can choose
preferred
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the preferred
a preferred
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living style
and
Correct word choice
apply
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buy a desired house and
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
solely
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sole
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desires.
for instance
, many top billionaire industrialists
such
as
bill gates
Correct your spelling
Bill Gates
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,
Elon
Correct word choice
and Elon
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musk
Capitalize word
Musk
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have sacrificed their family
time
and had no friends. have achieved greater heights and have
best
Correct article usage
the best
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like
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apply
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that they always desired
off
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apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
, humans believe that
people
become mechanical like robots if they
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
spend enough
time
with family and friends. we need
human
Correct article usage
a human
show examples
touch when we are depressed and encouragement to overcome difficulties. ignoring family life and focusing completely on professional growth will cause separation and loneliness.
for instance
, many young couples these days are separated because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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their partners don’t give
enough
Correct pronoun usage
them enough
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time
for
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
by being busy
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
jobs.
this
scenario can be avoided by having
balanced
Correct article usage
a balanced
show examples
life between professional and personal
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
. In conclusion, professional development is important to live a better life with high standards but not at the cost of sacrificing family
time
.
Submitted by jesujwal on

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Grammar
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'under opinion' should be 'of the opinion,' and 'however' should start with a capital letter. Also, avoid sentence fragments like 'have achieved greater heights and have best like that they always desired off.'
Examples
You should provide more specific examples to support your points. General statements such as 'individuals can choose preferred living style' lack concrete examples that would make your argument stronger.
Cohesion
Ensure your essay flows better by using appropriate linking words. Phrases like 'for instance' are useful, but sometimes your transitions feel abrupt. Improve cohesion by using a variety of linking words.
Task Achievement
You have addressed both views of the topic clearly and provided a balanced opinion in the conclusion.
Coherence
Your essay contains a coherent structure with paragraphs dedicated to each side of the argument.
Content
You have acknowledged the importance of a balanced life, which is a commendable and relevant point.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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