Some people think that developing a successful career is more important than spending time with family and friends, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion
Few individuals are under
opinion
that academic and professional growth Add an article
the opinion
in
needed over passing Correct your spelling
is
time
with family and companions. however
, few people
are against such
beliefs. this
essay will discuss on importance of career development and its benefits and on how people
get artificial if they don’t spend reasonable time
with people
around them.
On the one hand, individuals believe that investing time
and affords on
career growth will give great success and fame in society. If individuals have good performance in their field. they shall soon achieve good managerial Change preposition
in
position
in their organization which Fix the agreement mistake
positions
results
good salary rise. by which, Add the preposition
results in
results from
this
individual can choose preferred
living style Add an article
the preferred
a preferred
and
buy a desired house and Correct word choice
apply
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
solely
desires. Change the word
sole
for instance
, many top billionaire industrialists such
as bill gates
, Correct your spelling
Bill Gates
Elon
Correct word choice
and Elon
musk
have sacrificed their family Capitalize word
Musk
time
and had no friends. have achieved greater heights and have best
Correct article usage
the best
like
that they always desiredChange preposition
apply
off
.
Change preposition
apply
On the other hand
, humans believe that people
become mechanical like robots if they dont
spend enough Correct your spelling
don't
time
with family and friends. we need human
touch when we are depressed and encouragement to overcome difficulties. ignoring family life and focusing completely on professional growth will cause separation and loneliness. Correct article usage
a human
for instance
, many young couples these days are separated because,
their partners don’t give Remove the comma
apply
enough
Correct pronoun usage
them enough
time
for families
by being busy Fix the agreement mistake
family
in
Change preposition
with
the
jobs. Change the word
their
this
scenario can be avoided by having balanced
life between professional and personal Correct article usage
a balanced
lifes
.
In conclusion, professional development is important to live a better life with high standards but not at the cost of sacrificing family Correct your spelling
lives
time
.Submitted by jesujwal on
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Grammar
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'under opinion' should be 'of the opinion,' and 'however' should start with a capital letter. Also, avoid sentence fragments like 'have achieved greater heights and have best like that they always desired off.'
Examples
You should provide more specific examples to support your points. General statements such as 'individuals can choose preferred living style' lack concrete examples that would make your argument stronger.
Cohesion
Ensure your essay flows better by using appropriate linking words. Phrases like 'for instance' are useful, but sometimes your transitions feel abrupt. Improve cohesion by using a variety of linking words.
Task Achievement
You have addressed both views of the topic clearly and provided a balanced opinion in the conclusion.
Coherence
Your essay contains a coherent structure with paragraphs dedicated to each side of the argument.
Content
You have acknowledged the importance of a balanced life, which is a commendable and relevant point.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?