IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks be greater than benefits to community and the young adults themselves?

Some argue that all youngsters must spend some
portions
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portion
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 of their
time
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by
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apply
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volunteering for the
people
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 who are in need in the community. I believe that the advantages of
such
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 action far outweigh the
disadvanatages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
. On the one hand, I agree that not all adolescents should be forced to do something they do not want to. They should not feel obliged just because others do the opposite.
Besides
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, some
people
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 may not have enough
time
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 to take
such
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 responsibility because they may have other commitments,
such
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 as family, friends, work, and studies. It is easy to judge those
people
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 and
considering
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consider
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 them selfish,
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however
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however,
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 we cannot know what each individual goes through.
On the other hand
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, despite
abovementioned
Correct article usage
the abovementioned
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 arguments, taking
time
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 for the community may have a plethora of positive sides.
Firstly
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, one small action can be enough to make
people
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's day.
For example
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, visiting an orphanage may stimulate children to feel more important and loved, considering they tend to feel
thesmelvers
Correct your spelling
themselves
 lonely.
Secondly
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, it may help the youngsters to feel more content and happy.
This
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 is because they dedicate their
time
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 to something useful for
the
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apply
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humanity. They can take pride in their actions and learn how to be generous and kind-hearted.
Additionally
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, they can improve their interpersonal
skills
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 like communication and empathy as these
are
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apply
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skills
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 are extremely demanded in today's world.
People
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 who lack these
skills
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 may ruin the society.
Last
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 but not least, these actions can be an example for younger generations. Some
people
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 become
self-centered
Change the spelling
self-centred
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 every day, and they do not even realize that other
people
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 live in inferior conditions in comparison to them. They may feel inspired once they
saw
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see
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 how older
people
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 take action for these problems. In conclusion,
although
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 I am against putting pressure on young
people
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 to
involve
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be involved
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 in unpaid work and giving up their other necessities, I am of the opinion that young adults should immerse themselves in those activities to make
people
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 and themselves happy, enhancing their human
skills
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, and be an example for younger
people
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.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, maintain consistency in sentence structure and vocabulary. Consider using connective phrases like 'furthermore' or 'moreover' to link ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next. While the essay is generally well-structured, there are places where transitions could be smoother.
task achievement
Make sure all examples provided are directly relevant to the points being made. While the examples given are generally good, specificity and relevance can be improved for a stronger argument.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to further substantiate your claims. While you did provide examples, additional details could enhance the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear overview and summary of the essay's main points.
task achievement
The essay includes a range of ideas and perspectives, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The use of specific examples helps to illustrate and support the main points, making the arguments more convincing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • skill development
  • soft skills
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • leadership
  • social responsibility
  • community engagement
  • empathy
  • civic duty
  • networking opportunities
  • volunteering
  • personal growth
  • confidence
  • financial compensation
  • economic drawbacks
  • exploitation
  • free labor
  • fair exchange
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