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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that charities should help people in need no matter where those people are in the world,Others feel that these organizations should only serve the people living in the country where they are based Discuss both sides and give your own view.

#people #charities #matter #world #organizations #country
These days,
people
's lifestyles have been changing from the past and most
people
 have a good situation,
while
 some
people
 are really poor;
as a result
, both governments and
people
 found different kinds of
charities
 to help these populations and
people
 have various ideas about the
charities
 work. a group of
people
 believe that
thes oragnizations
Correct your spelling
these organisations
 ought to aid
global
Correct article usage
the global
show examples
 population, but another one prefers to help
people
 who live in their
countries
. In my opinion, when we have poor
people
 in their country it is important that help them;
moreover
, the second choice must be other
people
. On the one hand, some
people
 like to help
humens
Correct your spelling
humans
 who are
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 all over the world and
this
 work
havs
Correct your spelling
has
have
 some advantages and demerits. On the one side,
people
 who live in
countries
 which have not been good economies need international help not only to change their situation but
also
 to improve their
countries
.
For example
, most African
countries
 have a bad position and their authorities cannot enhance their
countries
;
therefore
, these
charities
 are able to help them provide basic
lives
Replace the word
living
show examples
 things
such
 as water, food, and other things, and build houses, schools, and other ones for them. On the other side, when
othe
Correct your spelling
other
 natives are helped by
charities
, they will become lazy owing to the fact that they do not work because they know international
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 will be sent to them.
On the other hand
, some
people
 think it is crucial that help poverty regions in their
countries
 inasmuch as when poor regions are destroyed, the level of
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 will climb;
besides
, crimes will dip in those
countries
;
hence
, these
countries
' inhabitants must not solve matters which are the offence result like robbery. To illustrate, in Iran, we have a lot of areas which are so poor and they need help, so when we solve these
communities
Change noun form
communities'
show examples
 issue we help
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 to become better.
To sum up
,
that is
 good to help other societies to alter their situations;
nevertheless
, our
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 situation is more essential than other ones.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job presenting both sides of the argument. However, your points can be more clearly and comprehensively developed with specific and relevant examples. Work on including more detailed evidence to support your main ideas.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally coherent, it could benefit from a clearer structure. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there are clear transitions between paragraphs. This will help improve the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
There are a number of minor grammar and vocabulary errors. For example, "aid global population" should be "aid the global population" and "help humens who are live" should be "help humans who live." Make sure to proofread your work for these small errors, which can distract from your overall message.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
Your essay is balanced, as it clearly outlines both perspectives on the issue.
task achievement
You have a clear personal opinion stated, which is essential for this type of essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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